Thursday, April 9, 2009

Do You Remember Me?

I was the dorky girl who liked everyone and didn't understand cliques... You made fun of me because I passed gas audibly while we were working in a small group. Do you even remember that? I was mortified. I wanted to die then and there. And you told everyone. That was the beginning of my middle school career. From then on, I was a marked woman...

Do you remember me? I was the girl who sprayed perfume on your backpack on the bus. You were always so smart, and made sure everyone knew it. I think I was jealous that it seemed to come so easy to you. At the time, I thought it was just a harmless prank. I have thought about you often over the years and wonder what's become of you. I can only imagine you are a brilliant doctor somewhere, saving lives and influencing people.

Do you remember me? I was the girl on the bus that you threatened and yelled obscenities at. You glared at me every day, and I ignored you, and secretly, I was scared to death of you. And finally, one day, I'd had a crappy day and you picked, and I snapped. I remember telling you to shut the f*** up. It stopped that day. You never said another word to me. I never did figure out what I'd done that made you mad in the first place. I didn't even know you.

Do you remember me? You cornered me in an empty hallway while class was in session because you wanted to "talk." You had me against a locker and towered over me, with your huge black arms on either side of my head. Every sentence spoken meant your face got closer to mine. And then you tried to kiss me, and I ducked under one of your arms, and ran. I avoided you after that. I never had the courage to be myself around another black man because of you. I was afraid of that intrusion of my personal space when it was unwanted. We were supposed to be just friends, but some guys just don't take no for an answer I guess...

Do you remember me? I was invisible, it seemed. I barely remember myself that year. I was miserable. I had unrealistic expectations of my life. I felt like I had no friends in the world (even though looking back, I know this was not the case) and this was the year that I tried to kill myself. I took a bottle of baby aspirin. I told you. You were the only one entrusted with this deep dark secret until just months ago. Except for a shrink 8 years ago when I was in a hospital. I didn't like who I was and wanted to get away from myself. You were there, never judging. Just being my friend and trying to help me. I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) had a crush on you. You became the impossible standard for someone else to live up to.

Do you remember me? I had never before that night laid eyes on you. I was drunk. And we made out. And I woke up disgusted with myself and realized that I was stuck in a relationship I had no control over and didn't know how to get out of. I was plagued with suicidal thoughts. And I prayed. I prayed like I've never prayed before, for help. I didn't know what to do. I prayed to know how to get out of the dead end relationship that was so volatile and unhealthy for me. I prayed knowing that one of two things would happen; God would help me figure out a way to get out of the hell I was in, or I would get myself out the only way I knew how... and something happened....

Do you remember me? I know you do... We were together for almost five years. At the end, you punched me and called me a name that still has NEVER passed through my lips, and those who know me know that's saying a lot, because there isn't much I can't/don't say. I still remember the feeling of those words. I didn't even feel the fist... I felt, physically, felt those words. I have never had anyone hurt me with words the way you did. Emotionally or physically. It took me years to forgive you. I couldn't imagine my life without you. I didn't think I could live. But you didn't want me. You may have thought you did. But you didn't treat me the way you treat someone you love. I was an object. A posession. It took a long time for me to see it. Did you know that I wanted to die over everything that happened? Did you know I was drinking to dull the pain of the constant emotional abuse at your hands? Did you know that it got to the point that I went to lunch with girlfriends from college and went back to class intoxicated? And I still took you back, because you convinced me you'd changed. You convinced me you were ready to get married... And when I called you and was married and pregnant, to ask if you were happy and if you loved her, did you know I would have left it if you'd asked me to? We would have ended up breaking up again... but I was more miserable with him than I'd been with you... sad...

Do you remember me? I know you do. You neglected me for six years. You slept next to me in our bed all that time, but never really knew me. I am partially responsible for the disintegration of our marriage. I didn't recognize the way you showed love on the rare occasions that you showed it. You never see our children. You haven't seen them in five years. Would you even know them if you saw them on the street? I'm fine with you not seeing them, except that you won't give up your rights to the man who sees them and takes care of them and loves them every day. I tried everything I could to save the marriage. I couldn't be the adult for you too. Would I do it again? Yes. You know why? Because I'd never trade my beautiful children for that six years of hell.

I know you... You are the one I live for. The one I love with all my heart, body, and soul. You love me. You take care of me. You put up with my tantrums and my extensive time on things that are maybe not so important. You provide for our children. You love me when I can't love myself. You really know me, and you "get" me. You try to understand even when I don't get it sometimes. I have one gorgeous little boy with you. But you have taken on the rest like they are your own. You are compassionate. You are funny. We have a good time together. I love spending time with you. I am in love with you after all these years. I roll my eyes and get annoyed with the little things sometimes, but they pale instantly when you look into my eyes, or when you smile at me. I love your strength, the way you hold me in your arms. I love how smart you are. How it annoys you when people don't do something right. There's a black and white line for you with most things, and you like to know which side people are on. I love your ability to be nonjudgmental. That's what makes our relationship possible. I love being able to talk to you. The first time we kissed,I knew we were supposed to be together. I am so lucky to have found you after a couple of wrong fits. You have been the piece that completed the puzzle that is me. I love you for eternity.

8 comments:

Frisbies Forever said...

I remember you. Always too.

W said...

Thanks girl!!! I remember you and think of you more often than you know.. :) Love you :)

Hillori said...

You have such a brilliant way of expressing it! I always remember the fun we had as kids, it's so hard to see others struggles... you are one well remembered for your good!

Jenn said...

Aww, Dub... This brought tears to my eyes...

I lurve ya lots and lots and lots!!!

sara :) said...

I *heart* you lots, W. I wish we could see each other more.

nej said...

I know you, and I know that I love the beautiful person you have become. I know you have been through hard times, but all of those experiences have made you who you are today... and I love that friend.

Tales of The Middle Aged Mommy said...

AW......you and that man are so good together!

I'll surely remember you!

jessica said...

i’m an associate of mary anne radmacher’s and saw you’ve enjoyed her quote, “courage doesn't always roar.” i know mary anne is so happy when people find inspiration from her words in the context of their daily lives. for more work from mary anne’s hand visit her website maryanneradmacher.com. mary anne has written several books and shares her work in many forms including conferences and classes. If you’d like more information feel free to e-mail me at jessicaformaryanneradmacher@gmail.com. thanks for sharing her words!