Sunday, December 28, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Here are the Christmas cards I did for our tech, Christina. I used the Cuttlebug Lace Tree embossing folder, and stickled the top and the snowflake in the center with Star Dust stickles, and the circles in Starry Night. I kinda like how they turned out.
I am still waiting for some supplies to play with some more Tim Holtz stuff, but may have to wait til after Christmas :)
But I am playing with some stuff similar to that too.. :)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
"Carol of the Bells"
(you may need to turn off my player at the bottom of the page to get the full effect)
I copied Tim
I copied Tim
I'm fond of him
I'm fond of him
I spent some grocery money.
My husband thought it was unfunny,
but I made a gorgeous tag
but I made a gorgeous tag.
I copied Tim
I'm fond of him
The tag was fun
Now my song's done.
OK, I never promised it would be great.. :) But here is the tag. It's not the same because I didn't have the right stamps. AND it was my first time working with glossy cardstock, so it was difficult to not have the stamp slide around a little.
Anyway, here it is:
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
OK, those of you who don't know who Tim Holtz is, have you been living under a rock??
I LOVE this guy's work. (the fact that he's easy on the eyes is nice as well)
He is doing 12 tags of Christmas again, and here is the link for tag #1.
OH how I wish I had figured out how to make these links work in my blog! Courtney, HELP!
Anyway, this guy has more talent in his little finger than I have in my whole body, and it's not like I don't have a little bit, ya know?
This tag is absolutely gorgeous, and I want to make it! WHY do I not have the distress stickles yet??? Stickle whore that I am, I have a huge shelf of them, yet no distress stickles... I'm losing it!
Ok, I have a Christmas card order to finish today so I can work on my own stuff. How I wish I had that lamp post stamp, I would use it for my own Christmas cards...
I think it's official... I am a junkie. LOL
HAPPY post Thanksgiving Monday
Friday, November 28, 2008
Well, at least one more. I offered to be a swap angel. Basically what that means is when you sign up for a swap and for some reason, your swap doesn't get to the hostess, someone can step in and complete the swap for you.
Most online groups consider swap flaking an "unsubscribable" offense. Meaning you get booted from the group. Or at least probation. But anyway... This particular hostess is awesome, and last time we had someone flake, she made up that person's groups, and I hated for her to feel like she had to do that.
So I sent her a message telling her I'd do it. It was only six cards.
Monday, November 24, 2008
It scares me a little. It scares me a lot, actually. What would I have done if I couldn't get him under control? What happens when he's 150 lbs instead of 75? What happens when he's taller than me?
It makes me very stressed. He is having less frequent melt-downs, but they are getting more and more ugly. I sure hope it continues to get better as time goes on, and that he doesn't keep getting more violent...
Friday, November 21, 2008
OK, so while chatting w/ my posse this a.m. and stressing about paperwork I can't find...
My friend sent me this link, brought to you by 2Peas in a Bucket NSBR (non scrap book related) Board.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
AT what point while you're in the kitchen do you say to yourself, "Self, you know what I think this needs??? Some man milk. Let's get nekked!"
AND.. how the hell does he know that it's nutritious and delicious. Spoken like someone who's never tasted it. I mean, HONESTLY... what the hell???
NOT only does he want you to find someone to donate his, uh, Natural Harvest to your cooking, but he wants to CHARGE MONEY for the damn cookbook.
What's next? Care for a drink of pee lemonade?
How 'bout some lovely fluids in place of cottage cheese in your lasagna?
OK, gotta go. Off to find recipes we can replace dairy w/ breast milk. Have a lactating friend who could use the money.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I am not sure what disturbs me more today, the fact that it is ten past six and I am awake and have BREAKFAST IN THE OVEN, or the fact that my son has been up since about 2:30 and isn't the least bit tired...
Maybe it's the fact that I'm up and breakfast is made and I actually considered exercise on top of that... or it might be a combination of all of the above. Regardless, here I am, with baked oatmeal in the oven for breakfast, and getting ready to make some bread. *sigh*
Suddenly I am very tired.. LOL But anyway, this last week has been difficult, to say the least. I am exhuasted emotionally, and I think I am getting sick. Stress has a tendency to do that. ANYWAY... Here's a website I've found lately in my quest for being cheap...
There are some GREAT recipes here, and how to feed a family of four on $45 a week. Don't freak out, there's not a lot of meat in that menu, but it's got some good stuff in it. We had the lentil chili last night for dinner, and it was pretty dang good. I've also made the home made biscuits, and the corn meal muffins. Good stuff. BTW, I DO NOT advocate making your own sanitary napkins (not that there's anything wrong with that) but I also don't have a monthly visitor anymore, and the thought of washing crap out for anyone else makes my stomach churn. Now, if we were on a tighter budget, I might rethink that, but... ewwww.. nevermind. I don't think I could ever do it.
Anyway, enjoy the site, and thanks to my friend April for finding it! I am loving it. I am even considering apron options... GULP...
Friday, November 14, 2008
In other words, she's on the autism spectrum.
That's the very short version of a very long story. I'm exhausted. I am spent emotionally, physically and spiritually. I told my husband that I want to pray and tell God that whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn, to just let me know, and I'll get right on it!
I don't think it works that way, but I sure wouldn't mind trying. Anyway, I am numb, and can't think about it much more, so I am just giving myself some time over the weekend to let it sink in.
Tomorrow is a new day, right?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Anyway, I am having a crabby day today. I think it's the weather. YES, HONEY, I am using my stupid light box!
Anyway, I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to do, so I just end up not doing anything, because I don't know where to start.
I am also getting sick, I think. Coughing like a mad woman this a.m. I am also currently waiting for the Kirby guys to come and pick up their vacuum. Shad has given me permission to go bitch on them if they give me any crap. Which today apparently will not be a problem for me...
Must be the full moon...
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
So, I had 4 out of 5 parent teacher conferences tonight between the hours of 5 p.m and 7:30. Then I ran and dropped Jordan off at church (late). I am EXHAUSTED!!!
I will not go into the particulars of my day right this second, but it's been a HARD day for me... The highlight was going into a local scrapbook store in Boise that I hadn't been to in a while. I ran into a friend there, she was cropping with some of her friends, and they were so sweet to let me hang out and chat and learn some cool stuff! My birthday and Christmas lists have just expanded exponentially! (Sorry, honey!)
ANYWAY, they were so sweet, they treated me like I was one of them and not an outsider who just plopped myself down in the middle of them (which is exactly what I did!).
SO thanks guys! It was AWESOME! And it truly was the highlight of my day today! :)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I have been thinking today about the blessings in my life, my awesome husband, my kids, my family, and my friends. I truly have been blessed so much. I just need to REMEMBER it and be glad.
I came to the realization that I don't think I really suffer any more than anyone else, so I need to just stop complaining about it and be grateful for what I DO have. Life is hard for everyone, and it's all in the attitude, right? So I am going to work on that. :)
Just my thoughts for the day. :)
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Did I also mention that my husband is going to be gone by about 7:45 a.m.?
So, I have been working for several days on a swap that I am trying to finish up, before I can even START the next one I signed up for. And while I was cutting out minute little flowers today for that swap, I realized I had nine name tags to make for an event at church tomorrow. No biggie, right? Yeah... except that I had to run to the office supply store to get badge holders for the name tags. And, I had to run and pick up a couple of items for a Halloween costume I am making. And attend a baby shower for my husband's cousin... This was all after I went to a neighbor's house this morning to make yogurt for a self reliance harvest party.
Did you know you can make your own yogurt? Yep. You can...
ANYWAY... knowing I don't do well without my 8 hours of sleep, and knowing I have to get up and take care of kids while putting the finishing touches on these name tags, AND finish up at least this one swap (and hopefully all three groups of my other plus the two for two swap that's now overdue) doesn't it make sense that I am sitting here to blog about it?????
I am apparently too tired to think clearly. GOOD NIGHT... :) (or should I say good morning?)
Monday, October 20, 2008
One of my goals is to journal every day. So here it is. Today, I blew it. I woke up feeling ok, got a WHOLE bunch of stuff done in the first hour and 15 minutes that I was up. And one of those things was cutting the boy child's hair with the clippers, which he hates, so I bribed him. I told him I would take him to Lilly Jane's cupcakes and get him a cupcake if he let me cut his hair. He was excited at this prospect, so he let me cut his hair. He did a GREAT Job, too. And then I bathed him, and when I was done showering myself and getting dressed, he told me he wanted to go to the donut store instead.
Fine by me, I didn't have the gas to go all the way into Eagle anyway...even though I really wanted a tasty cupcake... But, I digress...
So, I took him to DayBreak Donuts, and got him a chocolate glazed donut. And then got myself two chocolate iced chocolate cake donuts... UGH... I have NO willpower, have I mentioned that lately?
I also haven't lost a SINGLE pound since I quit drinking soda. SO, there you go. My drinking soda is CLEARLY not the reason I am a chubby girl. And I'm feeling a bit miffed that I've been stuck at this current weight since JUNE. It's almost NOVEMBER, and we're getting into my VERY sluggish season. So, chalk up day one as a BIG failure. ON to tomorrow.... I am going to eat cereal for breakfast BEFORE I walk out the door. In the hope that I won't be so hungry that I buy TWO dang donuts and eat them BOTH. Perhaps I will get on the bike tomorrow too... perhaps not... who knows... anyway, hoping tomorrow goes better than today. :)
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Millions of peaches are what it seems like I've canned today. Well, not me by myself. My mother-in-law, my friend, Frank, and my friend, Nej all helped. And thank goodness, because we started a little after 9 this morning. And I just finished washing the last dish, and it's 10 minutes to 9 p.m.
I am exhausted. We started with about 10 bushels of peaches, and we did 124 quarts of sliced peaches, (though we lost four in the cooking process) and we did 40 jars of jam so far. I still have about a bushel left at my house, well, maybe a bushel and a half is more like it. And Nej, Frank, and my MIL all took a bunch home. My MIL took about a bushel with her. With as exhausted as I am, though, I feel such a sense of accomplishment!
We worked hard, even my dh helped, and was SO sweet about it. And he took care of the kids while I worked, too. My ds, Big Red, helped us peel and even squished some of the really soft ripe ones for jam with his hands. He worked with us for a few hours. It was great!
We borrowed the camp stove from my MIL as well, so we could have two burners running outside, which helped a ton. We didn't turn the a/c on until about 4:30 or so, when it was about 77 degrees in the house.
Here's the other awesome thing. 10 bushels of peaches, we picked them off the trees in the church orchard yesterday. And the great thing? They really were free! The church had picked all they needed, and they were begging people to come and glean what was left. It's actually quite a shame, because there are SO many peaches left that they will NEVER be able to use them all.
Another interesting thing about it is, we had a very late frost this year, and there were several stakes that were asked to fast on a certain day for the crop, because the fear was that the frost had killed all the peaches that had started to grow. They were worried about even having enough to fill the needs of the church cannery. And not only were there plenty for that, there were plenty for us to go pick about 10 bushels in about 90 minutes, and there were STILL so many on the trees. It was amazing to see!
So, WHO says Heavenly Father doesn't hear and answer our prayers?
Monday, September 22, 2008
I realized this as I was video taping her while dh was helping her with her homework. She was complaining that she couldn't do it, and I sensed a meltdown, so I started videoing, and sure enough, the meltdown ensued, and is continuing as I type.
If I was any good at computer stuff, I'd load the thing on YouTube and you could see for yourself.
The good news is that Alex is starting to get a tiny bit better, so in five years....
the vacation is definitely over...
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Especially when you're playing single mom for the week.
I took Jordan to the church for her Wednesday night activities, and the plan was to be gone for 10 minutes. So I left Jared in charge of the little people, and asked Brenden to do his chore.
Now, keep in mind, that these are the two delinquents from YESTERDAY'S issues.
So, Jared did a great job! He even called me when he was having a problem, which I had forgotten to tell him to do. So I was pleased with that.
It wasn't until after I went to the bathroom when they all went to bed that I found out there was an issue.
First of all, I had to pee since I walked through the door from dropping Jordan off. But I was making sure lunches got made for tomorrow and that kids got the ice cream I promised them.
Then when they all finally finished that, we said prayers (a few minutes late) and I went upstairs to tuck them in. As soon as I got upstairs, the phone started ringing, and it was the primary president asking me some questions. So I finally got off the phone and then came downstairs and talked to Alex for a few minutes, before finally excusing myself to empty the bladder.
When I went in, the aroma of cat litter stung my nose. Brenden had not cleaned the bathroom. DANG IT! So I went upstairs to get him out of bed, and make him do it. Well, when I got upstairs, I heard someone crying. It was Jane.
I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was scared. When she tried to tell me why, I couldn't understand her because she had her hands in front of her mouth. Or so I thought.
She mumbles when she's upset, hell, she mumbles sometimes when she's not upset. So I had to ask her FOUR times AFTER she took her hands down from her mouth before I could finally understand her.
Guess what was wrong with her???? The music teacher, who is a shrew and should NOT be teaching children, told the kids that if they chew gum while they sing they could choke on it and would turn blue and die.
SHE'S a FREAKING FIRST GRADER. It took everything I had not to call the music teacher a stupid bitch in front of my six year old. I was LIVID. You shouldn't say that to ANY elementary aged kids, in my opinion. But whatever. So, I told Jane that it wasn't completely accurate, and I said, "you don't chew gum anyway, so don't worry about it."
And, she's still bawling and says, "but I did once, at home."
I said, "yes, but you weren't SINGING while you were chewing it, and you didn't choke on it and turn blue and die, did you?"
"no" sniff, sniff, sniff.
"Ok, so don't worry about it. You will be fine. If you were to choke on gum, you most likely would be able to swallow it anyway, so don't worry."
"Mommy, can I sleep in your bed?"
"No, baby, but Jo will be home soon. Just close your eyes and I will come and check on you in a bit."
I always do go check on her, and she's most always asleep by the time I do. And the reason I told this story is because I had to let you see how long it took. I figured Brenden would be asleep by now for SURE.
I opened the door to his room, and up pops his little head. Now, at this point, I am LIVID, but not so much at him as Shrew Bitch, so I had to use my energy to keep from screaming at him to get his ass downstairs and clean the bathroom.
Through clenched teeth I said, "Brenden, you need to go immediately downstairs and clean that bathroom, it hasn't even been TOUCHED."
He must have known I was upset, because he said, "yes, Sarah" in the meekest tone I've ever heard from him... So, he went down and did it. And I started a load of laundry and realized that they didn't sort the laundry like I'd asked either. SCREW it. In fifty years, is it going to matter???? NOPE.
So, I just decided to let it go for tonight and tomorrow, there will be a mom, sweetly standing over those kids with a spatula in hand making them do their work. I decided while sitting there that I am going to get the stupid chore charts done when I get home. That way, I could have just done the bathroom myself and he could lose his sticker for it. OH well, live and learn...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
This morning started out with Autism Boy having a melt down over something. I can't even remember what anymore.
Then, his younger sister had a meltdown about not wanting to go to school for over an hour. It was absolutely insane.
Then, I had no energy to make the jelly I am supposed to make. I went out to buy cat food and wipes, since I was completely out. And while I was there, I bought fruit snacks. And thus the beginning of my issues.
First off, I bought some chicken that was about to expire, because it ends up being a buck off. So the short version of that story is that I dropped about $100 at Sam's club. Which began the whole self loathing/shame spiral thing, even though I didn't buy ANYTHING we didn't NEED.
So, I was already feeling crappy about myself, and then Mason started yelling at me about wanting a snack, etc.
I ignored him, but he just kept screaming, louder and longer. And then I hear the cat make a horrendous noise, and I go out, and sure enough, my worst fear has been realized. She yakked on the carpet. And while I was standing there looking at her, she rewarded me by doing it again. It's not nearly as funny in real life as it was in Shrek 2. In fact, it's not funny at all...
So, a few minutes later, the middle school children are home, and I ask our oldest to please get a baby wipe and clean up the cat puke. So, then what I get is a lot of complaint. "Why do I have to do it? Why can't Alex do it?" So, after a few minute of that, I decide it's just easier to do it myself. Which almost makes me vomit.
So about 45 minutes later, the other kids come home from the bus. They're all clamoring for a snack. So I send Middle Child out to the van to bring in the fruit snacks I'd purchased and left in the van. So they all have fruit snacks.
Fast forward an hour and a half. Jane is playing in the water in the bathroom, because heaven forbid she use the bathroom, wipe, wash her hands, and get out. OH NO. She's got to play in the water, and act like a big dork. So, I am waiting to use the facilities while she's in there playing. I finally tell her to turn the water off (more so I don't pee my pants than anything else) and she comes out.
I go in, have to wipe the seat off (HOW does this happen with girls?) and I sit down. While I am sitting there draining, I realize that behind the sink there are a BUNCH of fruit snack wrappers.
We have a pedestal sink, so it's basically a U shape behind it, and it's made a convenient hiding place for wrappers after Autism Boy has eaten stuff from the pantry or wherever without permission... So after I am finished, I pick up all the wrappers. THIRTEEN in all...
My first thought was Alex. But he couldn't have eaten that many. It had only been 10 minutes since his tech left, and there is NO way he could have gotten that many down without her catching him. But it had to have been him... right? That's totally his MO for sneaking food.
So I call him into the office and ask him why he did it, etc, and I know it was him because that's how he does it all the time. And his response was, "maybe I am sleepwalking while I do it"
WHATEVER... So I ask him, "Are there any left?"
and he tells me he's going to go check. So while he's doing that, I accuse Jane of taking them. Because SURELY it couldn't have been the boys. But she freaks out and tells me it wasn't her, and she's not lying to me, because she can't open them the way that they're open. And she's right. She can't... And then I hear someone go into the garage... and I asked Jared who it was. Jared told me it was Alex.
And then when I mentioned to him that I found these wrappers, he says, "are you serious?"
So Alex comes back in, and I said, "What were you doing out there buddy?"
And he said, "Jordan told me that the fruit snacks were in the van, but I can't find them."
So, in that instant I knew that it wasn't him. So, I ask Jordan to go get Brenden, and then I tell Jared not to leave. I bring them in and have them close the office door.
So, here's how the conversation goes :
Ok, guys. Which one of you took fruit snacks? Because you guys tried to make it look like Alex did it, but the fatal mistake was that he went looking for the box and doesn't know where it is. (thank goodness Alex can't lie to save his life)
So then I get, "well the two youngest kids take stuff sometimes"
And I said, "yeah, they do, but they can't open those packages, neither of them can. So which one of you was it?"
You know, as a parent, you think you're prepared for everything. I was SURE it was one of them. Once you have it figured out for the most part, you think you shouldn't be shocked by the admission of guilt. Until it comes. Such was this case, when Brenden was the first to speak.
"both of us"
SERIOUSLY???? I am not sure if my mouth dropped open or not, but it sure felt like it wanted to. I tried to remain stoic, but I'm not sure how good a job I did.
So, between the two of them, they ate 1/3 of the package. And I said, "First of all, that was your dinner. And secondly, you two will go up to the loft while we eat and discuss what your punishment will be. AND you will apologize to your brother, because you were going to let him take the fall for what you did. You did it purposefully to make it look like it was him so you wouldn't get in trouble. Would you like to trip an old lady with her walker, or take advantage of a mentally handicapped person while you're at it?"
Ok, so the last part may have been a little harsh, but I was SO shocked, I just didn't know what to say. And appalled...
So, I get dinner on the table while the guilty are upstairs. While I am putting it on, Jane starts shrieking that she doesn't like pot pie, and she wants a sandwich, etc. So I tell her FINE make a sandwich. We had just sat down to eat when Jordan's mom came over to get her for the school's open house/meet the teacher night.
So, I figured I'd bounce it off her, since Shad's not home and one of the offending party is her offspring. So I tell her that I told them that was dinner, etc, and that they were upstairs discussing their consequence, and I came back in and sat down. Alex said, "Hey mom, Jane got one of her pieces of toast stuck in the toaster, so I unplugged it, and got one of the squeezie things, you know, that you squeeze together to pick stuff up, and got it out for her."
"you mean the tongs?"
"yeah. I forgot what they were called"
I said, "Good thinking, buddy, thanks for unplugging it and doing it safely" and he said, "sure! The first time I used my finger, but then I grabbed the tongs and used them"
I said, "be careful, you could have burned yourself"
" I burned my pointer finger a little, but it's a good thing it's my right hand" (he's a lefty... gotta love that autism logic, huh?)
So I looked at it and told him to put it under cold water while I get Mason some applesauce, since he won't eat pot pie either. Then he asks me if he should get some ice for it. I said, "yes, that's a good idea."
Jane says, "Well I need some ice too."
I said, "No you don't, Jane, just eat."
She starts bawling her head off. "But my thumb hurts really bad"
And I look at her and realize that SHE burned herself too.... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So, the verdict is that the guilties will be doing Alex's chore this week in addition to their own, and the fruit snacks in question is their dinner. I thought I was tired before, but I am downright DEAD now...
BTW, did I mention that I'm single parenting this week???? I'm running away...
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I am trying to make this compute through my sleepy fog...
"what??????" I said...
"Jordan threw me on the ground for no reason" he repeated.
Now, if I wasn't just awakened from a dead sleep, I may have had the forethought to ask, "what were you doing?" but since such was not the case, I said, "go tell her I said to come here."
So, a minute later, Jordan comes up. "Yes?" she asks in her superior, pre-teen tone.
"What's up?" I ask.
"Well, Alex was squeezing the cat to death, and he was meowing like crazy and clawing at his shirt to get away, so I pulled him off"
"and you threw him on the ground"
"I didn't throw him on the ground, I pulled him off, and then I let go of him, and he fell on his back on the floor"
So, it's shaping up to be a great morning!
Monday, September 1, 2008
This morning we went to McDonalds (which is like going to a bar when your an alcoholic for me) to have breakfast. And it was hard, it was the first time I've been INSIDE a McDonalds since I quit drinking coke. But I did it. I had Hi-C Orange. I am doing better than I was. It's been a lot easier than the first 3 weeks. So that is my update.
I am hoping to be better about blogging, since the kids are back in school. So look for more from me soon! :)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
So, I turned to eating. I would eat to placate any bad feelings I had. I was OK for a short time, and I got married. I was married about 6 weeks when my mother-in-law came and told us that she was leaving my father in law, and that they were divorcing. My husband was devastated, and things were never the same. About six weeks later, I was thinking I'd made a huge mistake by marrying him, and while contemplating and praying about that, I discovered I was pregnant. About halfway into the pregnancy I started drinking Pepsi. I'd been SO sick, and had to have IVs several times, and someone suggested I drink cola to settle my stomach. Well, it got to the point where I craved it. And then I couldn't quit after he was born.
When I quit drinking, I'd had a nasty soda habit and it was when I quit drinking alcohol and Dr. Pepper, I got a horrible migraine. I never equated it to quitting my half gallon a day soda habit. So for three weeks, I was miserable. I finally went and saw my doctor, who went and grabbed me a Dr. Pepper out of his fridge and said, "DRINK that, and every time you start getting a headache, drink part of one. You can't just quit caffeine cold turkey."
So, I've been hooked on Coke off and on (but mostly on) for the last 11 years. I'd start to taper off and try to quit, and then I'd get really stressed and just think, "never mind, I can't do this. After this stress is over, then I will quit"
Well, it's gone on and on like that for years. And I finally figured out the critical thing... The stress is not going to stop. But I had to. So, I'd been thinking about it and trying to figure out how to do it, and not sure if I wanted to for real. But when I was talking to a couple in our church, the husband told me about how he was told to stay away from Coke when he was on his mission, and it was several times in the course of his mission that he heard this. And I just had this impression that it was time to stop for good.
I gave myself a day to gear up, and I decided to quit cold turkey after that. So, armed with Excedrin and a resolve to do it, I quit. It was so difficult to not drink Coke for the several days that followed. I was in the habit of going every morning and buying one from McDonald's. They have the best mix, ya know? And I wanted to leave the house and go get one every day. I was a huge witch. I was very short tempered, and downright mean sometimes.
I don't think there was a single day that went by in that first almost three weeks that I didn't want to just forget it and go have a Coke. Then, on the 20th day, something happened. My husband brought a coke home from McDonald's. And, I mean a BIG one. He was sitting there eating his lunch, and quick as a fox, I grabbed that coke, and had the straw to my mouth. But he was faster. He took it away before I could even close my lips around that straw.
I was instantly infuriated. I told him I hated him. And I went into my office and closed the door. Near tears. I was so upset. And then my son came in and told me that he hoped I got over this addiction to caffeine soon. And I began to feel better. And then something else happened. I'd been praying for three weeks to have the desire for Coke leave me, and it wasn't happening. I was beginning to feel desperate. I didn't wonder if God would help me, but I did start to wonder WHEN He'd help me. But in that few moments after my son came in and patted my shoulder, I felt it. The desire for coke was gone.
Could it be? I dared not hope. But the next morning came, and I still didn't care to have one. I was encouraged. Then the next morning, I still was OK! I was amazed. It had taken 3 weeks, but then suddenly, there it was! The answer I'd been praying for. Now, I won't tell you that I've gone a whole week without wanting one. Lef T was out of town last week, and the desire was strong a couple times, because of stress. But I was able to get through the week without any Coke. Which I think is probably a first. I am really thankful that he got that Coke from me before I had it. He's so awesome and supportive.
And I am glad that I can trust God's promises to answer prayers. He truly does hear us and answer our prayers. It doesn't necessarily mean it will be the answer we want or when we want. But He does answer us. I am appreciative of my mom who quit with me so I wouldn't feel like I was alone. That one act is what kept me from the McDonald's drive through on more than one occasion.
My point of this is that I can honestly sit and be grateful for the difficulty that this was. I never thought I'd be able to quit. And I couldn't have done it without my family and my Father in Heaven. I have several friends who don't believe in God. But I know He's there. I've felt His presence in my life and have felt that presence especially in the last few weeks. I look at this beautiful, diverse nation I live in, and have gratitude of that knowledge, because it keeps me focused on what I should be doing that is important. And I know that I am trying to do those things. Raising my kids, improving as a mom, being a better wife... Those are the things that matter to me. And those are the things that matter to my family too.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
And Jordan accidentally slept through her alarm, so when I woke up at 6:50 and she was just getting out of the shower, I knew it was going to be nuts.
So I very calmly went into the bathroom and asked her what I could help her with, etc. and she was freaking out. I got her fairly calm before I told her to stop worrying and I would take her to school. So I took them to school, and got back in time to start trying to get the other kids out the door to the bus stop. I had been home less than five minutes before the phone rang.
It was the middle school, calling to tell me that Alex had thrown up. UGH..
What you have to understand here is that he's at the new middle school. The BRAND NEW middle school that just got finished last spring. And it was not even half way into first hour, so my kiddo has the inaugural vomit of the school. And not only that, but he didn't even make it out of the classroom....*sigh* Poor kid...
So I said I would be right there to pick him up. I sent my kids to the bus with my friend from the neighborhood, and went to pick up my son. We were about 10 feet from the driveway when he threw up in my van all over himself, and all over the seats, etc.
We got inside and I helped him peel off his shirt and we went upstairs where I had him get in the shower. I threw his stuff in the washer and got that going. Then I had him get in his jammies and get in bed. He fell asleep almost right away. I went and took a shower myself and then ran to the elementary school to take lunch to my daughter, who, on the first day of first grade forgot her backpack and her lunch.
So, after 1/2 an hour of passing out school supplies to my 3 elementary aged kids, I came home and checked on sleeping beauty. He was still out. He slept until 3:15 this afternoon. I am hoping he will be able to sleep tonight. Anyway, I am completely and utterly exhausted. I'd like to go to bed right now, but there are four hours til bed time. Hopefully tomorrow will be less eventful. :)
Monday, August 18, 2008
I think it's because I woke up from a dream and then started thinking about everything I need to get accomplished, and couldn't go back to sleep. I put my iPod on and was listening to some quiet music, etc, but still couldn't go back to sleep, and my dh was a little restless, so I didn't want to wake him by playing solitaire on it. My click wheel is SO loud. Anyway, here I sit, without being able to really see, because I accidentally left my glasses upstairs on my night stand. OH WELL...
I guess the next time I have an episode of insomnia I should have an extra pair of glasses down here on my desk... Too bad I am not a candidate for lasik... Ok, so now that I've been up for 3 hours I am tired... I guess now that the sun is coming up, I will go back to bed. Geez, what am I, a vampire? UGH....
Sunday, August 10, 2008
So, we were sitting in Denny's getting ready to order, when Mason, well, broke wind....
And I looked at him, and said, "Mason, what do you say??"
and his almost four year old response, " But, Mom, it wasn't my mouth that burped, it was my body."
It was through a great amount of laughter that I told him I knew where the sound came from, and it still needed to be "excused".
So, today, Mason turns 4. And I was making his birthday cake, because the grocery store didn't have one. Not a SINGLE cake... GRRRR.... but again, I digress...
So, I am using the electric mixer to mix this doctored up cake mix (thanks, Nej, for the Cake Doctor cook book, I've had it forever, and I'm still using it) and Mason asks if he can lick the spoon.
I've always let my kids lick the bowls, etc when it's been frosting, or something without raw egg in it. But I felt bad, because I am using *gasp* frosting from a can, so I told him he could lick the beater when I was done.
He smiled and said, "thanks Mom! When do I get to lick the beaver?"
My husband and I about fell on the floor laughing and my husband said, "Hello, Freud!"
UGH... My poor kids... is there any wonder why there will be a need for therapy for every single one of them?????
Happy Birthday, Mason! I can't believe my baby is FOUR!!!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
<---- this is the cover
Saturday, July 26, 2008
There you have it. I was looking at my kids in the picture I posted on my blog and just realizing how great they are! Because they REALLY are... :) It makes me happy.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
It's been a while since we had family pictures taken. A little over two years. So this year when we had all of Shad's brothers and sisters together, we all went to Catherine Albertson Park and had professional pictures taken. Here is the best one of our family! Check it out, everyone is looking and smiling, no one has their eyes closed.... It's amazing!!! I am surprised. The only unfortunate thing is there were no props for short kids, so there's a fat knee right in front next to my daughter's head... Oh well... last year at this time it would have been 20 lbs fatter, so....
Hopefully next year, it will be 20 lbs lighter still... hmmm... maybe another two weeks at my mom's is in order??? :)
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
We finally found my crappy sperm donor ex husband. Well, at least his place of employment. And now what? you ask....
well, now NOTHING. Because I don't happen to have $3K lying around to retain the attorney.
Say nothing about the fact that he owes me about $25K in back child support. I'd gladly let the attorney have every penny of it if the court terminates his stupid rights.
I think Keanu Reeves' character put it best in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure when he said, "You have to have a license to fish. You have to have a license to drive a car. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."
Ain't it the truth? Ain't it the truth....
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Friday evening, my husband and I went out with another couple to dinner. The other couple had to pick up one of their sons from a birthday party at 9 p.m. My parents were watching the kids, plus an extra that I'd taken on for the week.
We went out, and had a great time, and had a great dinner! When we got home, it was almost 8:45. My oldest son has been allowed to start staying up until 9, since he will be starting middle school in the fall.
I asked him if he took his medicine, and he said, "Yeah. I couldn't find the 400 mg stuff, so I took 2 two hundred mg pills."
He doesn't have any 200 mg pills in this particular medication, which means he took 400 mg of wellbutrin SR. SHOOT. He had told my mom that he couldn't find his bedtime medication, and she told him we'd be back before 9, so he just needed to wait til we got home. He thought he was being helpful. To him, it made perfect sense. He just took a couple 200 mg tabs, because 200 and 200 is 400. Unfortunately, it wasn't the right medication.
So, we called the nurse line, and then they called poison control, and then we took him to the ER. The ER doctor listened to what happened and said we could take him home, until he found out the medication he hadn't taken (and wasn't going to be allowed to take at this point) is one that he has withdrawal symptoms when he misses. He said, "we're getting him a bed"
So, he had a bit of tachycardia, (fast heart rate) and his breathing rate was very elevated at some points. But their main worry was seizures, and in that regard he was ok. They kept him on a heart monitor to keep track of his vitals. Anyway, by the time they got a room for him and got us all settled in, it was after 1 a.m.
Alex went to sleep, but I was up until after 2 a.m. listening to the monitor alarm when his respiration rate when above 30 per minute, which was pretty often at first. Then, he woke me up at 5 a.m. vomiting, which is what he does when he has withdrawal from the bedtime medication.
The nurse called the doctor right away, and they gave him some Zofran for the nausea, but it didn't help, and he threw up again, conveniently about 15 minutes after they'd given him a half dose of Seroquel (which is his bedtime med)
He continued to throw up, and at about 9 the nurse gave him a different medication for nausea. Then at about 9:20, he threw up again. At 9:30, the nurse brought him another 200 mg of Seroquel to see if they could get enough in his system to get him through til he could take it again that night and get him to stop throwing up.
We told him how to breathe and to try and get through a half an hour without throwing up again. He was so tough and brave! He breathed and breathed, and blew like a lamaze champ! And it worked! Five minutes later, he asked, "has it been 20 minutes yet?" The poor kids was just MISERABLE.
He just kept breathing and panting, and watching Animal Planet. After the show we'd turned on for him to get his mind off feeling nauseated was over, I noticed he was getting kind of loopy. I asked him if he was tired, and he said he was. I got him to lie down and close his eyes.
He lay there with his eyes closed, and kept blowing and breathing through his nausea. He would start falling asleep and relaxing, and then he would kind of jump, and start panting again. Eventually, he fell asleep, and we knew we'd be ok. The nurse told me it took about 90 minutes to be in his system fully, so if he kept it down until 11 a.m., that would be ideal. And he did. He slept. Then around 12, the nurse came and woke him up, and got him to tell her where he was, what month it was, etc. And then he ate! And it stayed down!
So we hung out for about 20 minutes or so after he ate, because they wanted to make sure he didn't throw up again, and then he got discharged. We left for home a little after 1 p.m.
I am still tired today, I got 3 hours of sleep that night, and about 8 last night, but still felt like I could have used more. But he's ok! And that was what was most important to me.
I am so blessed to have a husband who not only has the ability to give blessings, but also GIVES them. He and my dad gave my little boy a blessing that he would be fine, and that he would come through this with no ill effects, and he did. It could have been SO much worse. I am grateful that it wasn't, and that we came through it virtually unscathed.
And, now we know that we need to work on Alex's administration of prescription drugs. He needs to learn how to read the labels, and what the pills look like, etc. Lesson learned!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
A few months ago, we were given alarm equipment for free with free installation. We only had to pay the monthly fee. I think we may have signed a service agreement as well, but I can't remember for sure. But anyway... I digress.
We set the alarm every night when we go to bed. Fine. Lef T leaves fairly early in the a.m. usually, so it's off by the time anyone goes to let the dog out. Yesterday was the last day of school for all the kids in our district. And, it just so happens that Lef T worked a 12 hour day yesterday, so he took the opportunity to sleep in just a little.
Well, at 6:50 a.m. our phone starts ringing, and it's toll free. I was pretty cranked, considering that telemarketers aren't supposed to call before 8 a.m. So, I picked up the phone and listened to see if there were messages. There were, so I called voice mail. No message from today, just a few from yesterday that I'd forgotten to check when I got home from running errands. Anyway... So, suddenly, I hear our dog barking, and it's not her normal, high-pitched "pay attention to me" or, "I need to go pee" bark. So, I look at Lef T, who conveniently NEVER freakin wears pajamas, and I roll my eyes and go down to see what's going on with the dog.
I go downstairs and I am greeted by a strange beeping I've never heard before, and a VERY strong pounding on my front door. Instantly, the light bulb goes on! The alarm had been set off.
So, I am yelling at my kids as I am running to the front door to let the officer know we are fine.
I am standing there in my pjs and apologizing profusely to the fine officer who has come to make sure we are ok. I said, "OH my gosh, I heard the dog barking and couldn't figure out why, and she must have heard you knocking."
His response, " Actually, I have an officer in your back yard."
So I explained to them that the alarm had been set off by my son w/ autism. I said, "you know, usually it's been turned off by now because my husband and oldest are up and out the door, but yesterday was the last day of school, and my kiddo didn't think the he needed to check the panel before he let the dog out."
So he asked how long we'd had the system, and said that next time they'd go ahead and have us fill out a false alarm report. Which, by the way, they charge for! Which is fine, they should! But that was how this lovely Thursday began for me. Turns out it was the alarm company that called, and it just showed up as a toll free number. LOL Guess we should have answered. We could have saved a couple of officers a trip! UGH!!!!!!!!
And, after they left, the alarm company came over the panel asking for my name and password and asking if everything was ok. I will tell you that thank goodness for a QUICK response from them and our local PD. And thankfully, it was a false alarm, but it's good to know that had it not been, they were here so fast and checking into it. I am pretty darn sure that had I not gotten downstairs when I did, we'd be purchasing a new front door today.
And the other thing that scared me a little was that the dog was barking like mad at the officer in our yard. And it scares me to think what would have happened had she advanced on him. ACK! Thank God this did not go tragic on us, and I have definitely slept a little better at night knowing that the alarm system was in place. I know I will sleep even better now that I've seen it in action!
Here's to happy endings!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Here's a NEWS FLASH.
YOU LEFT to pursue your homosexual love interest. Good for you. Whatever. YOU also chose to let HIM have home base custody of the kids with you having weekend visitation. That was YOUR choice so you could go live in her double wide mobile home which currently has no freakin OVEN. WHATEVER. Also YOUR choice.
But, don't come talk to me about the boy child's pants being missing. Because you know what? he didn't come home NAKED. He wore clothes home. So if he wore pants over here from there and it's that big a deal to you, make him change before he comes home. AND, if he did wear the pants over here, that means a pair of OUR pants are there. SO WHO CARES????
Do you know how many pairs of socks our daughter has left over there? Some of them are MINE. Have I ever said a WORD to you about it? NO. Because you know what? She has socks on. Does it really matter which house they came from or who purchased them???? GIVE ME A BREAK. Please, sew labels in their clothing if it's such a big deal, or SHUT THE HELL UP. Oh, I forgot, you're both butch and neither of you sew. Or clean, for that matter. I find it interesting that every time a pair of pants goes missing, YOU find them in your sty a couple weeks later, yet I never get an apology.
Not only that, but shut up about the nutritional value of cereal. Both of you are obese heiffers, so I find it humerous that you will both bitch and moan about how unhealthy I am. Hmmm... when was the last time I was unexpectedly in the hospital??? Hmm, that would have been five years ago for an emergency appendectomy. How bout YOU? a year ago? Maybe?
And, I'd love to be able to have my kids for a weekend, while someone else takes care of them for FREE while I work two jobs during the week. It must be nice to have dual income and practically no kids. Know what it costs to pay for daycare these days? About $115 per week per child. How much do you pay in child support? $290. For TWO kids. Incidentally, my husband saved you $400 filing fee to change it by writing you a check back every month for $87. Sounds like a jack ass alright. I can see why your trailer living lesbian lover had so much appeal for you.
Gee, and thanks for your concern for my child w/ autism. I'm so glad the two of you are such fit parents that you have a 12 year old girl and an almost 9 year old boy sharing a bedroom. You should be worried about my child, since you clearly have such a good handle on your own lives that you would forego fixing your fucking oven to fly out to San Diego to take the kids to Sea World. Hmm... how much healthy cooking can you really do in the microwave/toaster oven????
My point here is this.... You have five days a week to bitch and moan about me and the father of your children. Five days when they aren't there. SHUT THE HELL UP when they are there. I will gladly let you take them during the week so we can be the disneyland parents for a while. Must be nice. I don't talk smack about you to the kids all week, the least you could do is shut up for the weekend. I have kids here who don't have contact with the other parent, so a 9 year old inciting issues in our family by complaining about the lack of fun stuff they get to do is really not helpful. If you cared about these kids at all you wouldn't be so disrespectful about their other set of parents. Especially when that set of parents is primarily responsible for the care of the children in question. How nice that you have "free" childcare that you can then bad mouth.
Hope you have the money saved to pay for their therapy when they are older because of how much you've screwed them up. Oh, that money will probably finally fix the oven, huh?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Jane: "Mason, look, I made you something."
This something she made was a "card" on an 8.5x11 sheet of paper. Blue paper that my MIL gave us for them to draw on, make paper airplanes out of, whatever.
It was folded in 3rds. And she said, "Open it."
Mason: "Jane! You did a good job on this! Is this for ME?"
Jane: "Yes, I made it for you."
Mason: "Wow, Jane. It's really great! Did you make this for me?"
Jane: "Yes, Mason, it's for you."
Mason: "Jane, this is really good work! I am SO proud of you!"
Jane: "Thanks, Mason."
This was the exchange between my two youngest children today in the van after we got Jane from the bus stop. It was SO sweet and sincere. And it doesn't happen that often. So, I wanted to write it down before I forgot. :)
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Lilly Jane's cupcakes ROCK.
I took a few friends in there on Saturday during a scrapbook retreat. To try the Hannahbelle. I met Hannah that day. I'd seen her before (several times) but didn't know what her name was. In fact there was only one girl there I HADN'T seen before... Anyway...
You have just a few days left. Hannahbelle is the flavor of the month for May. In simpler terms, it is a raspberry pink champagne cupcake with a raspberry cream cheese frosting. YUM!
So, their website has all the details: http://www.lillyjanescupcakes.com/
But in their store is where the truth is: It said, "you can almost taste the bubbles"
Now, I have never had champagne. I have had wine, and occasionally I still cook with it. But never had champagne. But I have to say that this cupcake is to DIE for. Seriously.
I have always been a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting kind of gal. Especially when LJ's came out with their "hot chocolate"frosting. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. It's actually a whipped Italian butter cream made with a simple syrup base, as opposed to the heavy butter cream that adorns a lot of their creations. So, you know how every once in a while you will get that PERFECT cup of cocoa that has the whipped cream that's kind of melted into it and cooled it down a little while making it even creamier tasting? Well, imagine that in a frosting form on top of a moist, delicious, chocolate cupcake. Good, huh?
I am not typically a fruit on cake person. Don't like fruit in ice cream or shakes either. I love fruit, so don't get me wrong, here. I just don't usually like it on cake, or in cake. Or ice cream. But anyway, I went into LJ's because I was on my way to pick up a card swap from a friend who was in Eagle. And pick up a stereo from her for another friend who was moving. So, I decided since I was going to be driving right by, it would be the perfect time to stop. I went in and bought two cupcakes. I was planning on buying one, but when I saw these Hannahbelles, I was VERY intrigued. Mostly I was intrigued by the description about you being almost able to taste the bubbles. And I thought, "you know, I love raspberries, and my understanding about champagne is that it's not too sweet, and I definitely love it in the Teuscher truffles my dh brings me when he is near a shop, so... I am going to try these!"
So, I bought one. Now, I also bought a caramel apple cupcake, which I've had before and is also one of my favorites... It has also been voted one of America's best cupcakes by AOL. So, I started with the Hannahbelle, because I was worried I may not like it, and wanted to have the yummy caramel apple to fall back on.
Silly SILLY W! I practically shrieked with delight over this delicious (and STILL WARM) cupcake. I am pretty sure that I'm going to hell for the lusty thoughts I've had over this perfectly portioned piece of heaven. The funniest piece of irony here is that I actually was disappointed to have to have the caramel apple cupcake after this. Because THAT was the one I'd bought to console myself had there been disappointment over the Hannahbelle. So, the following week when I had to go in to Eagle (ok, I didn't HAVE to go, but I wanted to) I stopped again. And I bought 6 of the Hannahbelles. I ate 3 of them. I had to give the rest to my friend Frank to save me from myself or I'd have eaten the whole half dozen. I was planning on giving her one anyway.
I WAS! Anyway, GO! GO TO LILLY JANE'S. You can special order them, but otherwise, they will be gone after the 31st of May. Who knows when they will be back??? GO TRY ONE! TODAY!
And, enjoy it. But please, enjoy it responsibly. Don't eat it while driving in your vehicle. You may eat while riding in someone else's vehicle, but until you know how you will respond to the Hannahbelle, it is recommended that you use caution when driving or operating heavy machinery.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Perhaps it should say, "Your aim is NOT helping." Or your lack of aim... UGH...
I just went in to use my bathroom. And I lifted the lid, and there was pee all over the seat.
I wonder if there is a way to electrify the seat so that if they pee on it, it will deliver a small reminder...
Thank goodness I've trained myself to look before I sit.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Yes. There are 12 feet in this house that belong to children. And yes, even with those feet that can sound louder than the stampede of elephants, I hear the silence of the missing ones.
A beautiful child of seven is what Monday would have brought. A party with grandparents, and Barbies and birthday cake.
The problem is, if you have ever been pregnant, you know the things you wonder about. Whose eyes will the baby have? Whose nose? What will she look like? And when you deliver a stillborn, you can see those features as they are, but then you can only speculate from there...
What color would her eyes have been? Her hair? Blonde? Brown? Curly? Straight? Would she have walked and talked early? Or Late?
I spent a LOT of years being angry at God for taking her away from me. It was only the last few that I've been able to let go of that, and realize it may have been the catalyst for change. He knew I needed to be somewhere else... and that is what it took to make me know it, too.
I will never forget lying there in a delivery suite while a nurse looked at my baby on ultrasound. It was nothing new, really, since she was my 3rd baby, and there had been complications, so I'd had ultrasounds twice a week for the last 7 weeks or so... They were supposed to induce me the Monday before this. And here I was, because I hadn't felt the baby move... And there with me was my mom, and my friend who is more like a sister, and the nurse. And she was looking for the heart. She found it. Perfect, tiny, four chambered heart... It looked exactly the same as every other time I had seen it from the time I was 10 weeks along, except for one thing...
This time, it was still.
I can't remember if there was an audible gasp by me or my friend, but we caught each others' eyes. She wasn't sure if I'd seen what she'd just seen. She asked, "What?"
and I said, "Nothing."
My mom said, "what are we looking at? I can't tell what we're looking at!"
And I couldn't bear to tell her that we both had just seen my baby's heart not beating. "Mom, I don't know either," was all I could muster. And the nurse then said, "I can't tell what I am looking at, let me get another nurse in here to take a look."
And she left the room...
Now, a nurse can't tell you that your baby has died. A doctor has to. And my OB/GYN was out of town on a camping trip. So, the other nurse came in and scanned, and sort of told us that she didn't know for sure, but that it didn't look good. What more could she say?
And then the doctor on call came in. I'd never met her before. I can't even remember her name. She was about to go off call, and she probably wished I'd come an hour later. And she came in, and did a third ultrasound.
"I'm so sorry."
I hardly heard anything after that, until I was told that I could go home and "let nature take it's course".
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
I guess some people do choose that... I wanted a c-section. But she told me no. She told me, you don't want to have a c-section and then go home without a baby. I was so angry with her when she said that. What did she know? I know what I wanted, and it was to get that baby out right away so I could have as much time with her as possible, since it was going to be short. I knew what happens to babies when they are left in the womb after they have died, and it is NOT pretty. I also knew the last time I could definitively say I'd felt her move was around 3 a.m. that morning. It was now almost 11 p.m. So we were already going on close to 24 hours. And damn them for not inducing me the night before when I'd been there BEGGING them to, and she was still alive. I still think that somehow I knew there was something wrong, and that's why I was so desperate for them to induce. But of course, they didn't. My cervix wasn't ready, they said.
And 24 hours, it was no different. But induce they did...
18 hours later, I gave birth to a perfectly beautiful little girl. 8 lbs 8 oz. She had the same mousey brown hair as her brothers. She was perfect. Except she was gone. My heart was broken. Sometimes it still is.
That day was a Saturday. The following day was Mother's day.
This year, Mother's day is this Sunday. Monday would have been her birthday. We will probably have a small cake with just our immediate family. I will cry. I may let off some balloons. Some years I have, some, I haven't.
But, I am a mom in mourning. And when I say I have six kids, it isn't because I've forgotten, or because I am trying to forget. It's because I don't share my angel with just anyone. Some people don't get the right to know about her.
So, when you are thinking of your mothers this weekend, remember that there are mothers, like me, who are missing someone. We have empty arms. We ache for them to be filled. And we could have a hundred more babies and still not be able to get rid of the hurt. Remember us, too, and say a little prayer for us. Yours might be the one that gets me through.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Lef T got a job offer. It's an amazing offer. And he's taking it. But it scares the hell out of me. For the five years we have been married, his schedule has been 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. with the ability to work from home when needed. And now... well... it's going to be sort of not the same. And the probability of traveling a couple times a month is high. It scares me. I know it will be ok, and at this point, it makes no difference because he's resigned from his current position. So, here goes.
It's ok for me to be scared about this. But, you know, I have an alarm system, and a big dog, and she has no trouble growling at people who make her uncomfortable. It's a good thing I have a leash for her in my room. Because she will be sleeping in my room when Lef T is gone. So, here's to change, hopefully for the better. I hate change. But it will be worth it if he doesn't wake up in the morning dreading going to work. Here's hoping it will be good.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Need I remind you that I have plenty of drama all on my own, without any help of anyone outside my own family? Let's see... my sister is in the beginning of what looks like it will be a nasty divorce. My husband is in the middle of a job change. I have a child with autism, another child who hasn't yet been diagnosed who will also be repeating kindergarten, a preteen daughter with a chip the size of the state of Texas on her shoulder, a son who wouldn't know the truth if it bit him on the ass, and a son with adhd. That's on top of my OWN bi-polar disorder, addictive/compulsive behaviors, medication issues, perfectionism and guilt.
DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED ANYMORE FRICKIN DRAMA????????????
THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION IS:
Ok. Now that we have that out of the way...
I told my dh yesterday that I was taking our stimulus package money and running away to a white sand beach somewhere. Don't know or care where. Hmmm... perhaps this is the time to go to Mexico. UGH, WHY didn't I get that Rosetta Stone program to learn Spanish...
WHY didn't my husband TEACH me Spanish??? I will be walking around with my English to Spanish dictionary and a bad accent, and hope I don't get arrested. My understanding of the Central American justice system is not pretty. Though I have to say my experience with the Canyon Co. justice system was... disappointing... to say the least.
Anyway... It has come to my attention this week that I get angry. A LOT. And before you say, "DUH, you are just now figuring this out?" I will explain.
I have known I get angry. And, part of it is the bipolar. Part of it. But a BIG part of it is I have trained myself to feel angry, because I don't have to feel hurt, sad, etc. Anger is "safe". Anger doesn't hurt. Anger is empowering. I know life is not fair. If life were fair, I'd have met my dh before he met his former wife, and before I met my former husband.
If life were fair, I'd have a daughter's birthday to celebrate in 2 weeks, as opposed to a balloon release and a cake with no one but our family (not even grandparents) here. And I would have her near me instead of a cemetary in another state.
Yep. Life's not fair. In fact, sometimes, it's downright shitty. And you know what? You can sit around and mope and whine and bitch about everything that happens to you. OR, you can get off your ass, work like hell to make the best of the curve balls you're thrown, and move on. Sometimes I get stuck in the mopey, whiney, bitchy cycle. I try not to. But, I'm human. So, you know... I can beat the hell out of myself daily for not being the perfect wife, mother, Christian, (yes, Mormons are Christians) sister, friend, scrapper, stamper, cardmaker, etc.
OR, I can say, "you know what? That didn't turn out as I'd hoped. Well, crap. We'll have to try it again," and move on. I will never be perfect. I will never be politically correct. I will never have all the answers. And the answers I have may not always be right. There will be people who seem to come out on top all the time, no matter what lies they tell, what child support they don't pay, what abuse others suffer at their hands. But, believe me when I tell you that in the end, it WILL be sorted out. So, what's my point? I don't know. I just know that I am trying to right the wrongs I have committed. At least the ones I am aware of. And I can sleep at night knowing that I am doing the best I know how. Is it good enough? Probably not. But I am trying. And I am a work in progress. That's all I can do.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The last couple of days have been a real eye opener for me. There are people who say things, but don't mean them.
There are people who profess to be your friend, but aren't.
There are people who, no matter what you're going through, instead of saying, "yeah, that sucks, I'm really sorry" they have had it worse, done it better, or are sicker than you.
If you say, "oh, I have a headache" they say, "Well, I've had a migraine for the last 3 days"
I am SICK of these people being in my life.
You know what???? If you don't like me, if I've hurt your feelings, PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. I am sick of passive aggressive shit. Life is too short to play games.
If I hurt someone, I can't do anything about it until I know. If you can't be open and honest about having your feelings hurt, then perhaps you should go back to junior high. Because that's where these types of games are played.
Grow up. Get a therapist. And come back when you are able to identify with and talk about your feelings.
Monday, April 14, 2008
And, there are others of us out there. We are called "bellaholics". Believe me, it's not my only addiction, but right now it's my preferred addiction. Anyway... Here is a link to a fellow bellaholic's blog:
And to the site she had us go look at today to check out these kits:
It's a kit of the month club...
And someday, I will join and buy them. Unfortunately, money being the way it is, it won't be happening in time for this kit... UGH...
Anyway, check em out! And leave a comment saying you found them here.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I just push the button, and POOF, my problems are erradicated by the pre-recorded male voice that says, "That was easy"
Monday, March 24, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
ok, here goes....
- Sagittarius is my sign.
- I am spoiled.
- I have a tattoo of a frog on my left ankle.
- I am in love with the 80s.
- I miss the midwest a lot.
- I can't check out books from the public library.
- I have Bipolar disorder.
So, that rounds out the list for me, I guess... Some day I will try and blog about all of the stuff that I just mentioned. I STILL haven't blogged about my beef with McDonalds, so, that has to happen at some point. :)
A LOT. So, on Wednesday, my dh had a SLAP repair. No, I didn't slap him and injure him so badly that he needed medical attention. It stands for superior labrum anterior to posterior. The labrum is the lip or ring of cartilidge around your shoulder socket that helps keep your arm bone in place. Here's a link to read more about it.
Anyway... he's in a sling for the next 4 weeks at least. And he's hating it. Anyone who knows my dh knows that he is VERY independednt. He doesn't like to have anyone do anything for him. He doesn't like to ask for help. So, the last couple days around our house have been a little rough. He is fine, but I have taken the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it's difficult. He also is not able to sleep in bed. He has been sleeping on the reclining sofa in our room. And I miss him. I miss putting my head on his shoulder while we talk. I miss him putting his head in my lap so I can play with his hair. So I am trying to keep it together while I pick up the slack. He is the one who does the dishes in our house, so I have been trying to keep them done. It's not a hard thing, it's just something that I don't enjoy doing. I mean, REALLY don't enjoy doing.
And I need to be better about telling him how much I appreciate that he does them. Because last night when I was getting ready to load the dishwasher, and dumping out disgusting cereal and milk that was still in bowls while trying not to dry heave, I was thinking how much I dislike the chore, and how grateful I am that he has done it. I don't think I can count on one hand (ok, maybe both) the times I have done the dishes in the last five years. It has honestly been less than 10. I mean, we will make up for it now, because I've done them twice just today, and haven't done the dinner dishes yet. But still. I can't tell you what it means to know that I never have to do dishes when he's well. And the thing is, my job is laundry. My dh feels the same way about laundry as I do about dishes. But I can guarantee you that he's done laundry more times than I've done dishes.
The point of this story is, I love my husband more than anything, and he's awesome. And I hope that after this week, he will get some kind of inkling about how much I love him, because it's really hard for me to tell him what he does right. I am one of those people who says nothing when things are ok, but when things aren't ok, WATCH OUT. So, honey, I LOVE YOU. YOU ROCK. I appreciate all you do for me. I am happy to take care of you during this crappy time. And I am really glad we did the shoulder first. Because knee surgery will be a cake walk after this. :D SMOOCHES.