Fear...

I don't necessarily think that it's healthy, but I feel it. I feel it often. And I am feeling it now...

Lef T got a job offer. It's an amazing offer. And he's taking it. But it scares the hell out of me. For the five years we have been married, his schedule has been 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. with the ability to work from home when needed. And now... well... it's going to be sort of not the same. And the probability of traveling a couple times a month is high. It scares me. I know it will be ok, and at this point, it makes no difference because he's resigned from his current position. So, here goes.

It's ok for me to be scared about this. But, you know, I have an alarm system, and a big dog, and she has no trouble growling at people who make her uncomfortable. It's a good thing I have a leash for her in my room. Because she will be sleeping in my room when Lef T is gone. So, here's to change, hopefully for the better. I hate change. But it will be worth it if he doesn't wake up in the morning dreading going to work. Here's hoping it will be good.

yeah...

I am imperfect. It sucks. I am not happy about it. But, it's life. What I'm not, however, is a schemer. You know, I am blunt, and I can be offensive. But I don't purposefully hurt others. And I definitely don't plan it and bring others in on it.

Need I remind you that I have plenty of drama all on my own, without any help of anyone outside my own family? Let's see... my sister is in the beginning of what looks like it will be a nasty divorce. My husband is in the middle of a job change. I have a child with autism, another child who hasn't yet been diagnosed who will also be repeating kindergarten, a preteen daughter with a chip the size of the state of Texas on her shoulder, a son who wouldn't know the truth if it bit him on the ass, and a son with adhd. That's on top of my OWN bi-polar disorder, addictive/compulsive behaviors, medication issues, perfectionism and guilt.

DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED ANYMORE FRICKIN DRAMA????????????

THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION IS:



HELL NO.

Ok. Now that we have that out of the way...

I told my dh yesterday that I was taking our stimulus package money and running away to a white sand beach somewhere. Don't know or care where. Hmmm... perhaps this is the time to go to Mexico. UGH, WHY didn't I get that Rosetta Stone program to learn Spanish...

WHY didn't my husband TEACH me Spanish??? I will be walking around with my English to Spanish dictionary and a bad accent, and hope I don't get arrested. My understanding of the Central American justice system is not pretty. Though I have to say my experience with the Canyon Co. justice system was... disappointing... to say the least.

Anyway... It has come to my attention this week that I get angry. A LOT. And before you say, "DUH, you are just now figuring this out?" I will explain.

I have known I get angry. And, part of it is the bipolar. Part of it. But a BIG part of it is I have trained myself to feel angry, because I don't have to feel hurt, sad, etc. Anger is "safe". Anger doesn't hurt. Anger is empowering. I know life is not fair. If life were fair, I'd have met my dh before he met his former wife, and before I met my former husband.

If life were fair, I'd have a daughter's birthday to celebrate in 2 weeks, as opposed to a balloon release and a cake with no one but our family (not even grandparents) here. And I would have her near me instead of a cemetary in another state.

Yep. Life's not fair. In fact, sometimes, it's downright shitty. And you know what? You can sit around and mope and whine and bitch about everything that happens to you. OR, you can get off your ass, work like hell to make the best of the curve balls you're thrown, and move on. Sometimes I get stuck in the mopey, whiney, bitchy cycle. I try not to. But, I'm human. So, you know... I can beat the hell out of myself daily for not being the perfect wife, mother, Christian, (yes, Mormons are Christians) sister, friend, scrapper, stamper, cardmaker, etc.

OR, I can say, "you know what? That didn't turn out as I'd hoped. Well, crap. We'll have to try it again," and move on. I will never be perfect. I will never be politically correct. I will never have all the answers. And the answers I have may not always be right. There will be people who seem to come out on top all the time, no matter what lies they tell, what child support they don't pay, what abuse others suffer at their hands. But, believe me when I tell you that in the end, it WILL be sorted out. So, what's my point? I don't know. I just know that I am trying to right the wrongs I have committed. At least the ones I am aware of. And I can sleep at night knowing that I am doing the best I know how. Is it good enough? Probably not. But I am trying. And I am a work in progress. That's all I can do.

my latest creations

I am in some card swaps, and here are my latest creations for those swaps.

Three are for Courtney's card swap on Card Cafe group, and one is for a swap on the Bellaholics group. Enjoy.

Have you ever noticed...

that some people, no matter how old they are, refuse to be "grown up"?

The last couple of days have been a real eye opener for me. There are people who say things, but don't mean them.

There are people who profess to be your friend, but aren't.

There are people who, no matter what you're going through, instead of saying, "yeah, that sucks, I'm really sorry" they have had it worse, done it better, or are sicker than you.

If you say, "oh, I have a headache" they say, "Well, I've had a migraine for the last 3 days"

I am SICK of these people being in my life.
You know what???? If you don't like me, if I've hurt your feelings, PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. I am sick of passive aggressive shit. Life is too short to play games.

If I hurt someone, I can't do anything about it until I know. If you can't be open and honest about having your feelings hurt, then perhaps you should go back to junior high. Because that's where these types of games are played.

Grow up. Get a therapist. And come back when you are able to identify with and talk about your feelings.

Today's links

OK, so I went and saw a couple of sites you may be interested in. I have become addicted to stamps called Bellas. You can see them here: http://www.stampingbella.com/

And, there are others of us out there. We are called "bellaholics". Believe me, it's not my only addiction, but right now it's my preferred addiction. Anyway... Here is a link to a fellow bellaholic's blog:

http://www.live-love-laugh-create.blogspot.com/

And to the site she had us go look at today to check out these kits:


http://katieskiff.typepad.com/3littledreams/

It's a kit of the month club...

And someday, I will join and buy them. Unfortunately, money being the way it is, it won't be happening in time for this kit... UGH...

Anyway, check em out! And leave a comment saying you found them here.

Thanks!!

W
AKA Dubabella

have you been wondering

Where the heck I've been??? Well, I've been trying to make cards. And I have been making quite a few. And I've been neglecting all my other duties, including blogging and housework, because my dh had shoulder surgery, and things feel so, well, messed up... Anyway, this one is going to be short and sweet, since I want to just upload some cards I made for some swaps. I have a few more, but I am not going to scan them right now, how's that for lazy? :) Anyway.. Enjoy. These first two are some side swaps for the Bella swap I just did. The red stickled boots on Ipodabella are in honor of my friend Kimberlee's red boots. LOVE them! Wish I could wear heels like that. :D The other ones are ones I made when I found out a former co-worker had breast cancer, and I sort of CASEd the idea from Splitcoast Stampers. Different colors than hers, but I can't remember her name. But the idea came from someone on there. Thanks!

The next ones are ones for the monochromatic swap on the Card Cafe yahoo group that I am on. I am LOVING the talent on that group, and the fact that most of the time, I only have to make and mail two cards. It's awesome! :) I have the green one left to scan, it's done, just haven't scanned it yet. SO here are black and white, and pink. :)

All my problems are fixed!!!

I had a friend tell me I needed an easy button from Staples, so yesterday I was driving by it, and went in and bought one. I am cured!!!

I just push the button, and POOF, my problems are erradicated by the pre-recorded male voice that says, "That was easy"

Who knew?