yeah...

I am imperfect. It sucks. I am not happy about it. But, it's life. What I'm not, however, is a schemer. You know, I am blunt, and I can be offensive. But I don't purposefully hurt others. And I definitely don't plan it and bring others in on it.

Need I remind you that I have plenty of drama all on my own, without any help of anyone outside my own family? Let's see... my sister is in the beginning of what looks like it will be a nasty divorce. My husband is in the middle of a job change. I have a child with autism, another child who hasn't yet been diagnosed who will also be repeating kindergarten, a preteen daughter with a chip the size of the state of Texas on her shoulder, a son who wouldn't know the truth if it bit him on the ass, and a son with adhd. That's on top of my OWN bi-polar disorder, addictive/compulsive behaviors, medication issues, perfectionism and guilt.

DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED ANYMORE FRICKIN DRAMA????????????

THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION IS:



HELL NO.

Ok. Now that we have that out of the way...

I told my dh yesterday that I was taking our stimulus package money and running away to a white sand beach somewhere. Don't know or care where. Hmmm... perhaps this is the time to go to Mexico. UGH, WHY didn't I get that Rosetta Stone program to learn Spanish...

WHY didn't my husband TEACH me Spanish??? I will be walking around with my English to Spanish dictionary and a bad accent, and hope I don't get arrested. My understanding of the Central American justice system is not pretty. Though I have to say my experience with the Canyon Co. justice system was... disappointing... to say the least.

Anyway... It has come to my attention this week that I get angry. A LOT. And before you say, "DUH, you are just now figuring this out?" I will explain.

I have known I get angry. And, part of it is the bipolar. Part of it. But a BIG part of it is I have trained myself to feel angry, because I don't have to feel hurt, sad, etc. Anger is "safe". Anger doesn't hurt. Anger is empowering. I know life is not fair. If life were fair, I'd have met my dh before he met his former wife, and before I met my former husband.

If life were fair, I'd have a daughter's birthday to celebrate in 2 weeks, as opposed to a balloon release and a cake with no one but our family (not even grandparents) here. And I would have her near me instead of a cemetary in another state.

Yep. Life's not fair. In fact, sometimes, it's downright shitty. And you know what? You can sit around and mope and whine and bitch about everything that happens to you. OR, you can get off your ass, work like hell to make the best of the curve balls you're thrown, and move on. Sometimes I get stuck in the mopey, whiney, bitchy cycle. I try not to. But, I'm human. So, you know... I can beat the hell out of myself daily for not being the perfect wife, mother, Christian, (yes, Mormons are Christians) sister, friend, scrapper, stamper, cardmaker, etc.

OR, I can say, "you know what? That didn't turn out as I'd hoped. Well, crap. We'll have to try it again," and move on. I will never be perfect. I will never be politically correct. I will never have all the answers. And the answers I have may not always be right. There will be people who seem to come out on top all the time, no matter what lies they tell, what child support they don't pay, what abuse others suffer at their hands. But, believe me when I tell you that in the end, it WILL be sorted out. So, what's my point? I don't know. I just know that I am trying to right the wrongs I have committed. At least the ones I am aware of. And I can sleep at night knowing that I am doing the best I know how. Is it good enough? Probably not. But I am trying. And I am a work in progress. That's all I can do.