Peanut Butter and Jelly

And ham and cheese.

That's what my son asked for for lunch last week. And I said, "you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

And he said, "Uh, yeah, and ham and cheese."

And I said, "but, not on the same sandwich... right?"

And he said, "Uh, peanut butter and jelly and ham and cheese."

"So, you want two sandwiches? A peanut butter and jelly, and a ham and cheese?"

"No, peanut butter and jelly and ham and cheese."

"Mason, you want peanut butter and jelly AND ham and cheese on the same sandwich?"

"yeah"

"Are you SURE? Peanut butter and jelly and ham and cheese? Between two pieces of bread. The same two pieces of bread?"

"um, yeah."

So, I set to work. I get out bread, spread the peanut butter, the jelly, and before I put any more on it, I say, " OK, Mason, I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich here. Are you SURE you want me to put cheese on it?"

"yep, cheese and ham."

"With the peanut butter and jelly, you want cheese and ham? Together?"

"yep"

"okay, I just wanted to make sure before I put it all together."

So, out comes the slice of American cheese, and the ham.. I put the ham on the peanut butter side, and the cheese on the jelly side. And I am thinking, he will NEVER eat this. And feeling a little queasy.

And the sad thing is, not only did he eat it, every BITE, except for the crusts, he told me how great it was and how much he liked it. And he's asked for it again...

ICK.

Thank goodness

for little boys. I have four of them. And my oldest boy will be 11 in April. He is my kiddo with autism. And he never ceases to amaze me. Monday night, my husband and I went to dinner. And on the way there, my husband hands me a very dog-eared red spiral notebook.

He says, "I brought this for you to look at."

"What is it?" I ask.

"It's Alex's drawing notebook. Just take a look and tell me what you think."

"Oh... Kay....." I am nervous, wondering what is up.

So, I open the cover, and look at the first page. It's a dog. With some kind of bubbles above his head that I can't quite figure out, but, it's a dog... I turn the page. Another dog, some different bubbles, this time with words in them. Apparently the dog is hungry. I turn the page again, and it's another dog. And it's very similar to the page before. And as I'm turning the next page, I start to say, "ok, honey, I see dogs, what else...? And I gasp. Because upon turning the page, I see it. Finally.

It's a dog. And apparently, it's a male dog. Know how I know? Because it has a penis. YEP. You read correctly. So, I start turning pages quickly, and EVERY page (except for a few dragons at the end-apparently female- and some Star Wars ships) is a dog with a penis. I flip backwards to the first few I looked at, thinking maybe, just MAYBE these first few don't have them, because I didn't notice them. NOPE. They all have a penis. Now, this is significant for a few reasons:

1. None of our pets, past or present, are male.
2. My husband insists that he has never drawn an anatomically correct dog.
3. The therapist Alex sees also says she's never seen a kid draw a penis on a dog.
4. IT'S A 70 PAGE NOTEBOOK, and about 60 of those pages are dogs with a penis.

So, trying to be nonchalant, on the way home from counseling last night, I say, "Hey, Alex.. I was looking at your drawing notebook today, and you have been drawing lots of dogs."

"Yeah," he says.

"So, I was noticing that they pretty much all had a penis, is there a reason for that?"

"umm, yeah, cuz they're boy dogs." And his tone is sort of like, I don't get the problem here, Mom, don't you know that boys have a penis?

So, I say, "well, buddy, you're drawing these at school sometimes, right?"

"yeah,"

And I say, "Well, if the teacher sees that, you probably will get in trouble, because it's not real appropriate to draw pictures of anything with a penis when you're at school. So, it would be really helpful if you wouldn't draw dogs or anything with a penis while you're at school, ok?"

"Ok, Mom." And I'm thinkin, GOOD, this wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. And then he says, "Hey, Mom?"

"yeah, buddy?"

"So, when it's summer vacation, I'm allowed to draw penises again?"

First off, I am trying not to choke on my McDonald's cherry pie. And trying not to laugh. Because although he is 11, his maturity level is nowhere NEAR that. And he's not kidding. And it would not be an appropriate response for me to laugh at this sincere, innocent question. But he wanted an answer. So, I said, "buddy, lets get through the rest of the school year with no penises on dogs, and then we can discuss it some more when school is out."

What else could I say? All I could think about was the fact that the BSA gives this kid access to bb guns and archery equipment at day camp. It was sort of a sobering thought.

More sobering is the fact that anything that he gets told comes out of his mouth with no regard for who is listening or who can hear him. It's not his fault, he just does not have the filter he needs to deal with certain types of information. So, I can't talk to him about certain things without it being discussed with the rest of the children in our family. So, we keep muddling along.

I am SO glad that we don't have a male dog or cat. And maybe I will buy him a male fish. Because then there won't be a penis on it. At least not visible. OY...

Hazardous to your health...

Who knew??? Cupcakes can KILL YOU!! I submit to you the following article for your consideration.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080225/wl_uk_afp/british

First off, thanks Kimberlee for sharing.
and, rest assured, loyal readers, I am only eating one at a time. And usually only one a day. Usually...
I know that means you will all sleep well tonight.
W

Yep, I live near the hood.

SO, not IN the hood, but CLOSE to it. The Albertsons in question is not the nice new one on Greenhurst at 12th Ave. It's the one ON 12th Ave at 7th St. And, we've taken to calling it Little Albertsons. Not to be confused with ghetto Pauls on 11th Ave near Franklin. And unfortunately, he is not pulling my chain.

And the thing is, I was not with him, and had I been with him, she NEVER would have said it to him. At least I would think she would not have. But, then, I am pretty floored by the whole thing as it is. I NEVER would have said that to someone else's husband. EVER. It takes a special set of balls to be that, well, ballsy.

I have to say, too, that my comment to my dh about making a verbal response next time was a joke. He happened to be standing behind me reading over my shoulder, so I figured I'd give him some crap. His glares are quite good, powerful enough to melt stuff. And, she did apologize, but I think only because he glared at her, because if his reaction had been different, who knows? LOL But thankfully, I know him well enough to know I never had to worry for a second about it. :) I just was appalled that she would say it to him. I mean, I get it... I see how you would feel that eye for an eye type thing... but even if you say it to your closest friend, or your cheating ass husband, don't say it to someone else's husband. Anyway, I LOVE my hubby. He rocks. :)

And, she may have been dumb, but she can't be that dumb, she knew a good man when she saw him. :D

Stupid White Trash Crack Ho

So, Wednesday night, my dh went to Albertson for Advil Liquigels. Because I had a headache, and we didn't have anything other than tylenol, which I had already taken and gotten no relief. So, he goes and he's standing at the check out in front of a white trash crack ho, and in front of him at the end of the counter is her white trash crack addict friend. And they are having a discussion about her discovery of her husband's apparent infidelity. Great. So she's bitching about how pissed off she is, and she hates him and he's such a jerk. And she's debating about what to do to make herself feel better. (Apparently, buying tampons was first on the list). So she's going on about slashing their tires, etc. And then she turns to my husband and says, "so, do you wanna.....?" Hinting that she will take him out back and ride him if he said yes. His response was a scathing glare at her, and then at her friend. But here is my question for her... and forgive me, there is no other thought for how I feel about this....

WTF?????

So... seriously??? taking someone else's husband and screwing him is going to make you feel better about your current situation? I think NOT. Here's what you do. You go get an attorney, and you divorce his ass, and leave him to rot with whatever STD he brings home. And you go ahead and slash his tires and hers if it makes you feel better. But you DO NOT ever proposition my husband again, because I will find you. And believe me when I tell you, you will not be having tires slashed if I find you with my man. I promise you. Because Lord help me. If I have a knife, it will not be used for tires. It will be used to draw blood.

Get a job, get a life, and stop talking innappropriately to other women's husbands. In fact, don't talk to them at all until you can get your filter working properly. UGH. That just makes me sick. Stupid white trash crack ho.

And honey, next time that happens, a verbal response would be best :)

Ok, I wasn't very clear...

So, I mentioned the dental office smell... but I apparently forgot to mention that it was a temp job. I was temping Monday and Tuesday. Unfortunately, the other job I had interviewed for I did NOT get, but didn't find out until after spending $30 on a dozen freakin gourmet cupcakes on their freakin office. OH well. I have been praying for things to work out as they SHOULD. It is sometimes hard to remember that God is in charge, and that what I want is not necessarily what is supposed to happen. But in light of the IEP meeting we had today, I am thinking this may be a good thing... We shall see..

On a happy note, I DID make enough money to purchase pergo for my scrap room floor... WHOO HOO!

Ya know that dental office smell?

Well, imagine working at one. You come home and that smell is stuck to you like white on rice. I worked today. I worked yesterday. And both days I came home and I can smell that smell. It's in my hair. It's on my hands. How many times can you wash your hands in a dental office. I can tell you I washed my hands over 100 times today. Maybe more... And I can still smell "dental office" on them. And it's not latex, because I am allergic to latex, and I can't wear latex gloves.

Anyway... last night I had to come home, change my clothes, eat something (I didn't get a lunch) and run to Sam's club. Then I had to come home, shower, do my hair, and go to bed. And get up to do it again. I am exhausted. I came home, and changed my clothes, but I have to wait until Shad gets home w/Alex before I can go take a shower. And I smell. I smell like the office. And I am not likin it so much. And what I really don't like is having to sit here with it and smell it... I want a shower. And I am kind of glad I don't work full time...

Stranger than fiction...

OK.. Alex, I am thinkin I must have told you this story already. But for those of you who don't know, there were two brothers who went to my high school who were named (and, NO this is not a joke, and this is the correct spelling)

Lemonjello (pronounced Le MAHN gel oh)
and
Orangejello (pronounced Or RON gel oh)

OK... now, seriously... if you really wanted to give your kids those names, FINE, but be a little creative with the spelling. The only thing that could have been worse is if you'd used the freakin hyphen before the O.

I mean, what? You were standing in the pantry with a craving for a gelatinous coagulation of the citrus variety and decided it would be a rockin' name for your first born??? And thank heaven for the change in accent on the phonetics, because we wouldn't want anyone to figure out where you got the name from the SPELLING!

For that I only can ask the three lettered question that I will tone down for those of you who may be offended by the f-bomb...

WTH????????

Anyway... Thank heaven they were not triplets, because it could possibly have been Lemonjello, Orangejello and Limejello.... (pronounced Lye MMMMMMMMMMMMM jel oh)

Hear ye, Hear ye

Just so my dh knows I am not kidding about this, I hereby renounce my lust for fireman. And, my new nickname is lemonjello. I love you, baby :)
W

Five years ago

this month, I got a marriage proposal. This man, whom I'd met a year earlier when I was great with child, and newly divorced. This man who was afraid to love again. Afraid to trust.

He helped name my unborn baby, calling her by the name I had been debating, and sealing that name as hers.

When he asked me to marry him, I was thrilled! I knew it would be hard, but had no idea how hard. He has been worth every minute. This great man, who chose to love me above any other was my rock. He still is. He's gentle and kind. He's funny and sarcastic. He values me when I can't value myself. He is the love of my life. (sucker!) And because I am really bad about saying what I feel when it exposes my soft gooey center, and because music touches both of us, I have a song that pretty much sums it up. And, it's by an 80s hair band..what could be better? I am pretty sure this song is in my stand alone player, so if you want to hear it, use the control on the side bar to find the song, and click on it. (I now have to go check and make sure this is the case, but I will put it on there if it's not already, cuz it's awesome)

Shad, I love you. You are everything to me, and I don't ever want to be without you. You're stuck for eternity, baby. :)

Love of a Lifetime

FireHouse

I guess the time was right for us to say

We'd take our time and live our lives together, day by day

Make a wish and send it on a prayer

We know our dreams can all come true with love that we can share

With you I never wonder, will you be there for me?
With you I never wonder, you're the right one for me.

I finally found the love of a lifetime.

A love to last my whole life through.

I finally found the love of a lifetime.

Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime.

With every kiss, our love is like brand new.

and every star up in the sky was made for me and you.

Still, we both know that the road is long.

We know that we will be together, because our love is strong.

I finally found the love of a lifetime.
A love to last my whole life through.
I finally found the love of a lifetime.
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime.

I finally found the love of a lifetime.
A love to last my whole life through.
I finally found the love of a lifetime.
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime.

Ooh, forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime.

Happy Valentine's Day to my lover and my best friend. I am so in love with you and looking forward to the rest of forever with you.

I love you.

My life as a cake whore...

OK, so I must say that I LOVE cake. And not only do I love cake, I have found a place close to my house that serves it in individual size portions. OK, so it's not that close to my house, but whatever. I am speaking of course, of the cupcake. Cupcakes are delicious, moist and portion controlled. Are ya with me? OK, well, let me show you what I mean....


www.lillyjanescupcakes.com

GO there. LOOK. And then DRIVE there and taste. If you can't drive there, I am SO sorry... I can't ship them. Because that would mean the 40 minute drive to the store to purchase them, and, let's be honest... If I go and buy them, they are going to end up glued to my backside in the most unflattering form of cellulite ever. Trust me. I ate two of these today already. So.. funny story about this.

I had to go back this afternoon, after going this morning, because my first attempt was messed up by my near dropping of the half dozen box. That would have been ok, except then when I had put them all back in their respective places with just a little bit of frosting lost (ok, one lost all the frosting, but I digress), I then reached back to hand one to Jane. She was home sick and had a doctor appointment a little later that morning. SO, I gave her one. And before I gave it to her, I asked her, "Jane, can you unwrap it, or do you need me to?" And mistake number one was giving her the option in the first place... But mistake number two was giving her the option while I was pulling out of the parking lot.

So, I pull onto Eagle Rd, which for those of you not familiar with this area, is a four lane highway. Two lanes in each direction with a speed limit of 55 mph. I think there is a center turn lane as well, except near the intersections, where it's a left turn only lane.. but there again, I find myself getting off topic. So, here I am, heading toward the opposite end of Eagle Rd, where my kid's appointment is. And I have a small stop to make on the way, which is the dental office where I interviewed last week, so I can drop off the cupcakes I just purchased with a hand made (by me) cupcake shaped card thanking him for interviewing me. And then written in invisible ink is the part where I tell him this job would be the answer to many prayers from both the dh and me. This is some seriously expensive ass kissing considering a dozen of these babies is $27.50. I could have bought them 2 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts for $10 less than this. SO, this should tell you how much I want this job. Not only did I take them treats, I took them coveted treats. Treats I rarely afford myself... Dang.. I am losing focus. MUST be time for bed. But I will finish the telling of this story!

SO, from behind me in her booster seat, I hear my daughter say, "Mom, I can't open this."

Ok, did I mention that I am driving? And driving fast? Anyway, so I reach back with one hand while I white knuckle the steering wheel with the other. And she hands me her cupcake. Frosting side first... and while I am clutching the frosted top of this cupcake, it breaks in half. And drops the bottom part of the cup, still papered, into the rest of my small box of heaven. DAMMIT. And it's pretty well over. The only cupcakes to survive this mishap are the two coconut cupcakes, and the one strawberry one that the frosting had already slid off of because of my near dropping of the box. And mine, the one identical to this one, was underneath it. OH how mad do you think I was?

So, Because Jane's cupcake was obliterated, I offered her a choice of the strawberry one with no frosting, or a coconut. Well, she wanted the strawberry one with no frosting, which surprised me, because she typically will eat the frosting off of the cake, and nothing else. Well... again, shouldn't have given her the choice. Because she took half a bite, ok , more like half a nibble, and said, I don't like this. And was near tears, because she really wanted the chocolate one that had fallen to it's death and taken several hostages with it. So, I told her we would go back later. And this made her happy. And more so, it made me happy, because I knew I could get another chocolate cupcake with the hot chocolate "italian version of meringue" frosting.

So, we get her appointment overwith, and I head over to Craft Warehouse for some minor indiscretion, and to call my dh and ask him to have lunch with us. And then we go to lunch. And after lunch, we go back to Lilly Jane's.

And the gal working at the counter smiles at me and says, "Welcome to Lilly Jane's! Is this your first time in our store?" And I smile back sweetly and say, "Not only is it NOT my first time in the store, it's not my first time in the store TODAY" And I give her a cheesy grin. And the owner gets this delighted look on her face like I am her new best friend, and she says, "Now, that's what we like to hear!"

And the girl at the counter says, "Do you know what you'd like?"

UMMM, YEAH, a fireman feeding those hot chocolate frosting thingies to me off his chiseled pecs... oh wait.. sorry.. got lost for a minute... :D

"Yes, please. I'd like six of the chocolate with hot chocolate whatever it is frosting". And the owner smiles at me and says, "Isn't that frosting SO good?" and I'm like, uh YEAH, only so good that I am here moronically admitting to you that I was already in today to buy one and practically licked the first one off the cardboard since it didn't make the trip. And I said, "Yeah, I've decided you guys can't EVER stop making that. EVER." Because I totally have that air of authority.

Ok, pardon me now, while I pause to let my friends who know me well stop laughing.....


any time now guys...


OK, I am serious, not that funny....


OK, forget it, they are just going to laugh, so I will just forge ahead anyway...

SO, I make my purchase, and I am leaving, and the girl at the counter says, "Well, we'll see you a little later, then."

Yeah, FUNNY. "Um, no, I am actually not coming back today. I PROMISE"

And I meant it. But only because I had enough for today's snack, my late night snack (also known as a bed night snack by my youngest child) and breakfast, lunch and dinner for tomorrow. (Hey, it is Valentine's day, so I totally can eat cake for all three meals if I want) OH, and the calories don't count on valentine's day. Yeah... something like that...


Anyway... Order your cupcakes. But, I have a few tips and pointers for you.... :)

1. You can eat them at the store, and this would be advisable.
2. If you choose not to eat them at the store, eat them before you leave the parking lot.
3. If you forgot napkins and do not have a secret stash in your glove compartment, GO BACK AND GET NAPKINS.
4. If you drop them, DO not under any circumstances lick the cardboard insert to remove stray traces of frosting. You will cut your tongue. Those damn circles are sharp.
5. DO NOT eat them while driving 55 mph on ANY stretch of road.
6. Do not give a 5 year old child the option of unwrapping her own, especially if you are trying to drive.
7. Buy a milk or a water to wash them down. (Or coffee, if you're into that) They sell those. And other beverages, but I find drinking juice or soda with something sweet revolting.

And on that note, I am going to bed. Happy cupcaking. :)

Did you notice?

I changed my blog. Well, messed it up is more like it.

I added a pic I took of the lake at the place where we had the company picnic over the summer, and the quote that my friend put on her blog for me :)

And then I started messing with colors of my blog. And then templates. And when I did this one, I saw it cut part of my picture off. SO I put it back to the old one, and it was still messed up. And it was after ten when I was still trying to fix it, so I gave up. This is why I don't change stuff... LOL I just mess it up :) So, I will be trying to fix it later on. Told you I hate change... :)
W

Support...

It's a wonderful thing. So, I went to a friend's blog. You know that list of links on the left side of my blog that says: Blogs I try to keep up with on a regular basis? Well, I really DO try to keep up with them daily. And if I have updated my blog, you can bet I have looked at those. I may not comment, but I do read.

1st off, let me give a hearty congrats to MARY! She is getting married!! ROCK ON GIRL!

Ok. Now that I got that off my chest. (sorry, ADD again)

I have a friend who knows me well. She's known me for a long time. And she loves me. In spite of my imperfections... Maybe even because of them. I met her at girls camp when I was 12. And we were buddies from the start. We had a few rough patches here and there... but when I needed her, she was there. I hope I was there for her, too... but even now, when I need her, she is there. So when I opened her blog, the title jumped at me. It said: "For Sarah"

And I read this quote:


"Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,
'I will try again tomorrow.'"
~ Mary Anne Radmacher


SO, thank you Connie, for being there for me. For being willing to skip school and drive to Iowa City with me (even though it backfired.)

For letting me crash and supplying me with diapers and pregnant person pjs when I have a bipolar "I am going for a drive in minneapolis and ended up in waterloo with my two boys, my pregnant self, and no change of clothes" moment.

For crying with me when I lost my first baby girl, even though when you lost yours, I avoided it because I didn't know what to say. If I had only known what that felt like at the time....

For the research on IEPs and 504s and letting me vent about the school and their failings with my special needs child.

For listening to a still, small voice that makes you aware of what I need when I need it. Especially when there are those who say they are my friends, yet tell me I am crazy, and judge me for it.

For forgiving me for not keeping in touch better. And not throwing it in my face that we haven't seen each other since said bipolar road trip....

For understanding me and loving me anyway.

And for the quote for me that was unannounced and simple and spoke volumes to my heart.

I love you, my dear sweet sister. You are always in my heart and my prayers.
W

I have been tagged...

whatever the hell that is supposed to mean...

So apparently, I am supposed to write 7 things about myself... I have no clue what to say.

And, this is the ONLY time I will be doing this. I don't do "tag" and I don't do forwards, unless they are hilarious.

SO, there is number one.

1. I don't like email forwarded to me. I don't do chain letters, I don't do sock exchanges, recipe exchanges, etc. My love for Jesus is not proven my forwarding crappy emails to 800 of my closest friends. Rarely do I respond to these types of things. It's just too much work for my apparently small mind.

2. I don't like talking on the phone. To ANYONE. Except my husband. And sometimes not even him. Well, and sometimes my mom. I would much rather chat online or email. And my new trick is hanging up on the toll free numbers that call us. I just pick up, and hang up. I don't have to say anything. Isn't that great?

3. I don't like change. I don't like it at all. I can deal with it, and eventually I can figure things out, but I still don't like it, and it will cause a great amount of grumbling.

4. I find it extremely difficult to listen to my middle school aged daughter practice the clarinet. And even more difficult to listen to it with the music on the computer game my son is playing.

5. I dream of winning the lottery (realizing that this is impossible, since I have never purchased a ticket in my life, ever).

6. I have always felt like the family odd ball...

7. I wanted to quit school and be a model when I was in middle school.

Forgive the crankiness of this post, as I am in the middle of a migrain that I have had since Saturday afternoon.

And, forgive me for not tagging anyone else.

My card for Group 2

This is my card for group 2 of the shaped card swap. And now I have to go, cuz my daughter is full of hand soap.

I love my children

except that sometimes I don't like them very much...

I know that sounds terrible. But I sometimes just have the hardest time being the mom. I am not good at it. And I second guess myself all the time. And, I remember doing things as a kid that our parents told us not to, like walking on the roof of the chicken coop, etc. BUT... we never did wide systems damage to our house like my kids do. I swear.

So one of my children at some point turned the thermostat upstairs to 70 and put it on cool instead of heat. No problem right? Yeah, except for yesterday the sun actually came out and warmed things up enough that it kicked on the A/C. And got the system all going, and then it froze. Which meant we had no heat. Because it froze up to the coil, which is close enough to the blower that it blocked any air movement. So, we had ice on the wall inside the house, even though it was 57 in here.

So, we had to put in a call, and the very nice man from TML told us to give it some time to thaw out and to try it again at 4 p.m. If it didn't work then, he would come out and look at it.

Well, thank HEAVEN it worked. So, at about 4:15, the phone rang, and it was the service guy from TML, checking in to make sure it was working. I was VERY impressed, because we were supposed to call him if it wasn't working, so when 4 p.m. came and went, he called US. AWESOME!

And the furnace is working again... I wish I could say the same for my meds... :D

So...

I have no scale... You know that already. But what you may not know is how hard it is for me to not have it. And it's hard for me to eat. I mean, it's hard for me to want to eat... even though I get hungry... It's a power thing for me. And it's a battle with the scale. A battle that I want to win. But not without eating properly... I don't know... anyway... that's my story for the day..
Short and to the point, eh?
W

I forgot to tell this story

So, a week and a half ago at church, there was a young man who had just returned from a mission. They always are scheduled to speak in church after they get home. So, we were in church, sitting and waiting for the sacrament to be passed. And it's silent in the chapel. I mean, really silent. And we're sitting, and Mason points to this young man, and very much NOT in a whisper says, "mom, is that Pee Wee Herman?"

And, I said, "WHAT?" Big mistake...

"I SAID, is that PeeWee Herman?"

I am ready to die, and I whisper, "SHHH, no, that's not PeeWee, you need to whisper"

Outloud: "well, it looks like Pee Wee Herman"

Whispering mommy: "well it isn't. WHISPER"

OH, the mortification... LOL I thought I would die!!! I was so embarrassed. I apparently blocked it, because I didn't remember until Shad and I were talking about it last night while lying in bed... That little kid is just SO funny....

Oh, and it's totally my fault for letting them watch PeeWee's Big Adventure.

Wow...

I really need some serious help. I really do. I decided previously that I was going to weigh only on Monday. Fine. Great. So, yesterday being Tuesday, I had a huge argument with myself about weighing or not. And I lost. I did weigh myself. So... I took my scale to Tina's. That way, it's not too far away, so I can weigh on Mondays, but not have to drive out of the neighborhood to do it. And I won't obsess about it. Right??? Yeah, NOT so much.

I have a job interview today. And we got about 3 inches of snow last night (yeah, I know, big shocker). So, this morning, one of Tina's daycare kids was late, and she wanted me to bring my little man over to her, and me to walk with her two to the bus stop. Fine, no problem. Well, when we got over there, the daycare mom was there dropping off her babe. And Tina said, "well, with all the snow, I am afraid it's going to take forever to get to the preschool, so I am going to just go right now, if that's ok with you." No problem, because I am going to come into your house while you are gone and weigh myself.

Then I said it. I said, "I think after I get back I am going to come in and weigh myself"

Tina: No, you're not. It's not Monday.
Me: Yeah, I am. I need to.
Tina: NO, you're not. You can't. I hid your scale! HAHAHA!! And not only did I hide your scale, but I hid mine too....
Me: WHAT???
Tina: Yeah, I know you SO well, that I hid them both last night before we went to the caucus. And don't even try to look for them, you will NEVER find them! Neener, neener, neener.

She's singing this and dancing in a circle.
Shit. She KNOWS me, what can I say....

Except that I would NEVER go through her house looking for the scales. Even though I want to. And I did entertain the thought of purchasing a new one. Or going to Target and pulling one off the shelf and weighing with that...

How messed up is that? I didn't think it would be that hard to not have my scale in the house. I didn't think I would miss it that much. But it was the first thing I noticed both times I went into my bathroom yesterday. And it put me into a small panic for that split second when I couldn't remember where it was...

I guess maybe it's time to get out the Big Blue Book. *sigh* I am so human. I am not superwoman. And I hate it.

My son

He is SUCH a riot. Ok, first off... I have a confession. I have hairy big toes. And, normally, I shave them. Normally. But... in the winter, I don't shave my legs. I have HORRIBLY dry skin and shaving makes it worse, and I'm always freezing, so, I just don't bother. Besides, I have to take a bath to do it, because I can't even wash my hair in my shower without bumping my elbows on the wall, so I have to shave in the bathtub. So, anyway... back to my kiddo.

I was on the couch in the loft this morning looking for socks. And my son points to my big toe and says, "hey mommy, what's that stuff?" And I look, and I said, "what stuff???" and he says, "that stuff on your toe? What's that stuff?" And I look at my toe, and I'm like, ok, my nails aren't polished right now, and the only thing on my toe is the hair. SO not femine, but.. well, I have only been showering lately due to the mole removal, so, I can't bend over to take care of the toes... I DO shave my underarms however.

OH! HONEY, I just thought of what I want for Valentine's day. LASER HAIR REMOVAL for my pits. (sorry, ADHD and all, and I wanted to tell him before I forgot)

Anyway, I told him, "it's hair.."

And this poor child looked completely horrified. I can't even think of another word to describe the look on this kid's little innocent face. He promptly crumpled into a ball on the floor, and cried with his face in his hands, "I JUST CAN'T BEAR IT!" and cried and cried! I believe I have scarred him for life...

One day at a time...

Well, today I failed in my attempt to not weigh myself. I tried. I argued with myself. Because I weighed yesterday, and weight can fluctuate, and my goal was to weigh once a week. So, in light of that, I am taking my scale out of the house. I am taking it to my friend's house. That way, I will not obsess about it, and I will be less likely to go to her house and weigh a lot... UGH. I hate that I am not perfect. I am supposed to be superwoman... right?

I've changed my position.

On putting the toilet seat down. So, back in the day, long before my little men were potty trained, I swore I was going to teach them to go potty sitting down. Not so much because of the up/down seat issue that so many women have, but because men don't have the best aim. And if they sit, their junk points downward, and, well, you get the picture. Also, less splashing of toilet contents up onto the outside of the bowl.

Well, needless to say, it did not happen the way I planned, and when my boys learned how to use the potty, they stood up. I have to say that I was ecstatic when my older son actually decided to use the toilet, let alone care if he stood or sat, but that's a story for another time. Some day I will relay the story of his christening of the vents in our old house after dh and I got married. Let's just say that I am grateful this house has vents in the ceiling, even though it means I freeze my butt off every winter. ANYWAY....

So, I went into the bathroom this morning, and after wiping the seat off for the umpteenth time (thankfully I saw the sprinkles before I sat down, because there have been times in urinary urgency that I have not been as vigilant), I decided that I want them to lift the toilet seat. How they ended up standing to pee, but NOT lifting the seat, I will never know. But PLEASE, BOYS for the love of everything HOLY, PLEASE lift the seat. Leave it up. I really don't care. Just flush, and STOP PEEING all over the freaking toilet seat.

P.S. this does not apply to dh when using the master bathroom. I do not want to fall in during a half awake stupor, and he can aim.

My Card for Group 1

I am in a card swap. It's a shaped card swap. And, because I am a cake whore, I decided to make a cake card. If you are unfamiliar with how a card swap works, it's where you make a designated number of cards, all the same, and get them to the hostess by the appointed due date, and you get one of your cards, and then one of everyone else's cards back. So for this group, I have to make 10 cards, and I will get one of mine, plus nine others back. They are all different, and I am WAY excited to get this swap. But anyway. This is my card for group one. It folds at the bottom, so the "opening" is at the top, and it opens downward. If that makes sense. Anyway, I am quite pleased with it, and figured I would share.

I am also making a cupcake card for group two. It's not finished, but getting there. I will be working on those today since it's not fit outside for man nor beast, as it is SNOWING AGAIN.
Thanks for looking :)

More snow!

I endured blistering winds and scorching deserts. I climbed to the tallest room in the tallest tower, and what do you suppose I found? (first of all, name that movie)

A hot cakes and sausage platter with the finest blend of fountain Coca Cola around. Say what you will about McDonald's food, but they have the best damn fountain coke around. They really do.

And I went to get some this morning, despite the 7 inches of new snow that canceled church this morning. And when my dh asked me if I was really going to drive in this, I recounted the recent story someone sent to me in my email about an alcoholic in Michigan (maybe it was Missouri?) who drove his lawn mower, while drunk, to the liquor store in a snow storm because his wife had the car. And he needed a fix. So, yes, I DID go to McDonalds on a Sunday in the horrific snow. One of the best cokes I have ever had. I should have bought two, however, because mine is gone, and I want more. Perhaps I will have some chocolate cake instead. :)

It has box frosting. (don't ask, it's the same as wrapper cheese) And it's the BEST chocolate cake I have had from a restaurant in a LONG time. :) Go get a coke from McDonalds. If you like fountain coke, I promise you won't be sorry. I don't know how they do it, but it's worth the extra money you spend not having to get out of your car, because it's that good. And it's that good all over the entire country. Some day I will sit and figure out how many states I have actually had Coke from McDonalds in. It's a LOT. and it's the same coke all over the country.

So, it's true what they say. Have a coke and a smile. :) I know I did.

ok, SERIOUSLY?????!

BLOGGER? What the hell are you trying to do to me???

In my very fragile emotional state, you are messing with my mind. And it's pissing me off. I tried to sign in to post on my blog today, and I got an error message saying I needed to sign in with a google account. Ok, really? I hate gmail. I tried it for all of five days like 18 months ago, and hated every second of it. So, it better not be that I have to have gmail to use this stupid blog account, or I am going to drop blogger like a hot rock and find somewhere else to blog. Can't everyone get that there are some of us in the world who HATE change? I HATE CHANGE.

Can I say it a little LOUDER???


I HATE CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so, seriously, STOP messing with me, and leave my crap alone. I can't deal with any more change in my life than what is currently happening. So knock it the hell off. I want to sign in with my yahoo acct. And I don't care how much spam I get with them, I will use them til I die. Because I HATE change.

Ok... rant over. At least for now.

New Year's Resolutions

This year I made one resolution. I am opposed to New Year's Resolutions, and never usually make them, but, I wanted to lose weight this year really badly (I know, how cliche) so my resolution was to get under 200 lbs by Valentine's Day. And I have been losing, and doing fairly well, considering my first week of January was spent on the road eating crap because of the funeral. Anyway... now is the time to back track just a bit.

The summer between jr. high and high school, I was anorexic. Dumb, since I was already thin, but I just remember sitting in class in 8th grade looking at this girl who was wearing short shorts, and she had her legs crossed, and she had these dimples in her thighs, and it really bothered me. A LOT. And I just remember thinking, I don't EVER want to look like that. I am, apparently, very shallow. I also wanted to quit school and go to modeling classes. I swore to my mom that I would finish school later, but I really wanted to be a model. I was tall and thin, and mostly I just wanted people to like me.

I had a really screwed up self image. I still do, though I think sometimes it's not as bad... But anyway.. I just wanted to be liked. I didn't even want to be popular, but I wanted everyone to be nice to me. I was nice to people (I think) and I just wanted everyone to be nice to me. Alas, I had (and still have) unrealistic expectations of the world. Anyway, I am not sure what started me on this kick, other than I was getting ready to start high school, and it felt like it would almost be a new beginning for me. There would be people around from other places than just my small, clique-ish middle school. And I wanted to be perfect. Since I really didn't have boobs to speak of, I thought if I was skinnier, what little I did have would be more noticeable. I mean, half of the time, I still didn't wear a bra, and didn't need to.

And my little nubbies made me SO self conscious when we had to change for PE, and there was this girl there who was just beautiful. And she had the most perfect breasts in the world. Even when I finally got boobs, I never had "perfect" ones. I mean, seriously, these were playboy perfect. So, anyway... I was awkward, and geeky. And I just wanted to fit. I wanted to feel like I belonged. Little did I know that it would NEVER, EVER happen. I am 35 years old, and I still don't fit in. But whatever....

So, I got a call from a lady at church, and she wanted me to babysit for her kids that summer. Like, almost every day. PERFECT!!!!!!!!! I could get out of my house, and hang out somewhere else. I don't know initially what made me think about not eating to get skinny. I think it was because I knew that I would be gone enough that no one at home would notice. So, I just stopped eating. I would drink Dr. Pepper, and on occasion I would eat a tiny bit, to not be so hungry, but it was almost a high from not eating. Because I was losing weight. I would weigh on this family's scale multiple times a day. And the more I lost, the more I obsessed about it. How much more could I lose?

So, I think I began that summer at about 115 lbs. I don't remember how tall I was, but I was fairly tall, and I was pretty skinny to begin with, so when I dropped under 100 lbs, it was pretty ugly. But I didn't see it that way. My hip bones protruded, and when I would go swimming, and we all had to get out for 15 minutes at 3 p.m. for the adult swim, I would lie face down on my towel, and my pubic bone actually hurt because there was not enough cushion between it and the concrete. And I would FREEZE if there was any wind at all. But I didn't see any of it as a problem. I felt horrible, but I thought I looked great, and no one would have ever been able to tell me differently. I think my low point came when I went shopping with a friend and her mom for school clothes, and I was trying on clothes in the GIRLS department. Size 12 in GIRLS. Now, seriously, my daughter who is NOW 12 and a 6th grader is in a juniors size 9. She stopped wearing girls clothes over a year ago, while she was still in elementary school. So, I was trying on these size 12 jeans, and they wouldn't zip up. Ok, I had HIPS, so obviously.... but I just was SO upset. I remember thinking how all the work I had done over the last couple of months was wasted, because I couldn't fit into these CHILD's size 12 pants.

I was devastated. And the fact that this friend's mom was looking at me like I'd fallen off the deep end (because I HAD) made me feel worse. I know now, looking back on it, that she was just SO concerned for me. She didn't know what to say. She and my friend both tried to steer me toward clothes that would be better suited to my actual size, but I just didn't want to have anything to do with it. I felt awful, and I wanted to crawl into a hole. But I realized when I looked in the mirror that night that I had a problem. And I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want anyone to know. Although when I talked to this friend about it a long time later, she knew and so did her mom. It was obvious, because they had seen my freak out over not fitting these stupid pants.

But anyway, I started eating. Little bits at a time, because at first eating too much made me sick. I actually ate a sandwich at the beginning and threw up, because it was just too much. But I slowly began to make myself eat little bits here and there, and my starved body was very happy about that. I gained quickly, and though I was stressed about it, I knew that my obsession with food and my appearance was not normal. So I kept working at it until my eating habits sort of "normalized". When I joined the swim team, that helped, because we were working out so strenuously that I had to eat, because I was hungry. But I was still thin. The suit I ordered that year for competition was a 32. And I was TALL.

Anyway, I still did the "starve myself" thing before dances, like prom and winter formal. But looking back at pictures, I was still thin. I never needed to diet, but because I had decided that it wasn't acceptable for me to wear a certain size, I would starve myself to wear a dress that was an acceptable size. ANYWAY.

The reason I give all this background is because I began losing weight after we got home from our trip. And my goal was to just be more careful about what was going in my mouth, not so much to lose a lot of weight. But when I started losing, I got excited. And I started eating less because I wasn't hungry. And then it got to the point where I would drink a slimfast shake for breakfast, and then not eat until dinner. I was drinking water, but it was that same "high" from not eating, where I was hungry, but knew that if I could deny my body the food it needed, I had control. And I would get thin again. This weight has been hard for me, it's the most I have ever weighed in my life. So, I wanted to lose it. But when I started to lose it, I noticed that I was weighing myself every day.

And then it escalated to every day before breakfast, and before bed. And it got to the point where I was starting to obsess over it. And then, when I went to a counseling appointment, I told the counseler that I loved the new medication I was taking, and needed more.

Now, granted, I love the new medication I am taking. It helps. A little. But, what helps the most is the side effect- appetite suppression. And it's not a stimulant, so it's not "addictive".
But I didn't need more for the intended use of the med. I needed more for a greater side effect. So, I talked to my friend about my issue with the scale the other day. She told me to stop it.

But I can't. It's this "need". I have to weigh. I just do. So, she told me to bring the scale to her house. Which is a great idea. And since she lives around the corner, I could totally do that, and weigh once a week, which is the healthier way to do it. But, I haven't brought the scale to her yet. And last night I had to tell my dh about what was happening. Because I do want to be at a healthy weight. But I need some help. I don't want to do it this way.

I think what bothers me the most is that he basically told me I was abusing my prescription. And I had a million justifications about why that isn't true. But it is true. I am not addicted to my medication. But I am still abusing it, because I asked for more for a reason other than it's intended purpose. And I have contemplated forms of bulemia. I can't throw up. I hate to throw up and I can't make myself do it. But I thought about buying fiber supplements and taking them with water to help me feel full, and I have thought about laxatives... I mean, really... what better way to lose weight than chronic laxative abuse... UGH...

So, now everyone knows my dirty little secret. I have an eating disorder. Which is funny to me, because now I am a fat chick... How many chubby girls do you know have an eating disorder? Well, other than using food to medicate (which is how I got here in the first place).

Hi. My name is W. I am an addict. And I have an eating disorder.